A Week Or So Ago

I believe that in any language there are not enough words that exist to convey how a person feels. I am there. I am at a crossroads right now, and there are not enough words in Old English, the Queen’s English, American, Pig Latin, or Aramaic that could even begin to accurately describe how I feel. The wreckage that Fayetteville faced this last week was something that I have never been through. I have seen this on TV only.

That’s what fell from my ceiling in my kitchen. Yesterday, when the rain started I placed a bucket under the crack. I came back today and found this. I walked around with a rag over my mouth and nose. I can’t breathe that crap in. Who knows what it is.

It has been over a week since the storms hit. It’s amazing how time has gone by so quickly. My family has moved out of a house that I adored…eventually. I pushed Jeremy into getting this house that he was unsure of. I promised him that I could make it a home. The previous tenants left a wicked outbreak of fleas that we had to deal with and there were things that were broken. But I saw possibility. I saw older people walking around with their families and playing with their grandchildren. I was told that Ian was the youngest child in a five house radius. I met nice neighbors. We go through many things in life that most families never deal with. It seems to me that my “normal” world has been turned upside down since bringing home my sweet baby. We have been on a constant go-go-go mentality. I know your world changes with children, but I was hoping for some time to stop and see him, my Ian, and see what he’s really going through as well. I feel as if some days I’m not. I hope that he’s not missing out on anything because the adults in his life are so busy.

I also think that despite how I feel…my inadequacies as a mother right now, he will be okay.

This has been hard on all of us. Jeremy is leaving soon, I need a possible surgery, our house is gone, and now Ian isn’t feeling well. I keep wondering when is it going to stop. I don’t think it will for awhile. I think people just have to go through some stuff in their lives. A series of tests from the great beyond to see if we can hack it in this world. I think that this time is one of those tests. I know I will pass and get the A I know I am capable of earning.  Now we are house hunting. We left behind a neighborhood and people that we cared about. We look toward the future. It seems to me, that everything is going to be okay.

The Little Neighborhood That Seemed to Lose Everything.

Before a storm you think, it won’t be bad and that those weather people are making it all up. How could they possibly know what they are really talking about? Isn’t this the only job in the world where you can be wrong all the time and not get fired? That’s the joke I hear. That’s the joke I cracked on Saturday, April 16, 2011.


We went to my mom’s house to spend the night. Jeremy is going to Afghanistan soon and we were having a nice dinner for him. The whole family, except the baby kitty was going to stay the night, and Jeremy and I were going to go out for a little while. We don’t get many date nights now with our little Ian, but we prefer it that way. After an hour and a half the power went out at my mom’s house and the storms hit. The power was restored, the news was back on, and the damage was reported. Poor Sanford, NC; it was hit badly…and so was Fayetteville. Well that news made me pay attention. I looked at Jeremy and told him we needed to eat, get Ian to bed, and then go to our home and check on it. This is where it all begins.


Our home was in the cutest little neighborhood. It wasn’t anything special to anyone but the residents. We loved our neighborhood. It was only a rental, but something about that little house with the red shutters made me smile. I wanted to buy it. I was hoping we could one day. I cursed the yard for being too big, but I saw Ian playing in it. I thought the squirrels were insane, but the cat would try to catch them through the window, and my neighbors…they weren’t like the others that I’ve had. I won’t keep in touch with them or become such good friends…but they made the neighborhood wonderful.

In a military town you get all sorts of people and in our little neighborhood, we had all sorts of branches. In the two story house diagonally across the street were the McDonalds. He was a retired Devil Dog, a marine. Across the street was William. His wife passed away a few years ago and he’s a retired Command Sergeant Major, Army. Directly next door on our left were the Wilson’s. Mr. Wilson was retired AF and his wife worked at the commissary. Mrs. Wilson lost her hat collection in the storm. She had some pretty hats. On the other side was Alex and his lovely wife. He met her in Korea and they have been together for years. Loving families with wonderful stories surrounded us in the little neighborhood.

The drive to Fayetteville from Fuquay-Varina took over two hours. When we got near Spring Lake, I realized that there were no street lights, and it was eerie. I knew at that moment that it was going to be a long night. The police were out and directing traffic. All the lights were out. Ft. Bragg Boulevard was closed and traffic was being diverted down Murchison Road. That is apparently one of the worst neighborhoods in Fayetteville and oddly, it was as if nothing had happened there. As we got closer and closer, Jeremy and I realized that the streets leading up to our home were closed. Yadkin Road was closed off and the police were directing people to another road. We got to Morganton and Reilly and realized that Reilly was closed. That’s when I suggested that it was time to park the car at Food Lion and walk down. I was nervous. It was so dark and the wind was picking up. It was almost foreboding.


Walking down Reilly Road in the dark was interesting. I could hear people calling their families and asking if everyone was accounted for and okay. I overheard one woman say, “You don’t know where she is?” She started to cry. I heard another lady say that there was a curfew and if you left your house in the affected neighborhoods, you would be escorted out. I heard a man say to his wife, “don’t worry, I’m sure the dogs will be okay.” He held her close and tried to comfort her as she cried on his shoulder. I was worried about my Madeline; my Baby Kitty. It was that moment, when I looked at Jeremy, that I knew our home was in the pathway of destruction. I hadn’t seen it yet, but I had a bad feeling. Emergency crews wouldn’t let anyone past a certain point on Reilly. I recognized the area. A new apartment complex was being built. It was still standing and seemed okay. That’s when I realized I was tired of hearing rumors and I had to ask the question, “how bad is Godfrey Drive?” The man looked at me and said not to be alarmed, but it wasn’t good. The tornado touched down between the Pizza Hut and the German restaurant, hit the elementary school and kept going down my street. The man held my arm and said that he was sure my house was okay and that my kitty would be fine. His eyes were warm and sincere.


Though I was worried about my kitty, I was also worried about my neighbors. Were they home? If they were, did they survive? There were no answers to the millions of questions being asked. I told Jeremy that we had to come back the next day and get Madeline and start the recovery process. It took us less time to leave Fayetteville and by the time we got back to my mom’s, it was close to 11:30 PM. Ian would be up early and we would have to head back down. When my mom asked what was going on, I didn’t have much to give her accept for this: our neighborhood is blocked off, and Cumberland County is under a State of Emergency. That meant a curfew. We would be leaving the next day to go down and start to salvage our belongings and get the cat.


On Sunday, April 17th, I got up, fed my son, had coffee and breakfast, and started to get ready to leave. I was determined to get back to my home and get some information. I hated not knowing what had happened. It was making me sick to my stomach. I found pictures from the Fayetteville newspaper that did not settle me. The path of the tornado did indeed go through my neighborhood and in that moment it became a possibility, that our home could be gone. The drive was tense, and we had Ian with us. I so badly didn’t want him there. An eight month old baby doesn’t need to be in that mess. Jeremy and I were running on raw emotions. Of course we were. Our town had just been devastated by F2 tornados and we weren’t sure of anything.


I did have a plan and it was simple. I needed to get home and assess the situation and from there, problems would be solved as best Jeremy and I could. We had to park again at the Food Lion down the street and walk. It was almost a two mile walk to our home. As I was walking down the street that is usually so busy with cars and not foot traffic, I could not believe the devastation. An extended stay hotel was gone, homes were leveled, trees snapped in half, and buildings were missing walls, the roof, or more. It was complete devastation. People were walking down the street carrying their belongings and rolling suitcases behind them. That was it; that was all they had left for a lifetime of work; suitcases and the clothing on their backs. People prayed and cried. Tears of sorrow and joy flowed freely. It was hard to hold back the tears as I watched people stand in their yards of what “used to be” their homes. I just had to get to mine.

As we walked through our neighborhood, I got more and more sick. I became short of breath, and my hands shook that I couldn’t hold my water bottle any longer. I actually started to get lightheaded. My grip on Ian’s stroller was so tight that my knuckles were white. Our street was a war zone. I now lived on an honest to God warzone and it was horrifying to see. Homes were destroyed, trees had crashed down on everything, and power lines were everywhere. It was terrifying to see and the destruction was random. Some homes were fine, but their trees were gone. Other homes had trees in them as well as other debris that had crashed into them. Nothing made sense. And there, a little ways down, was my blue car…still in the driveway…still in one piece.


I couldn’t believe that my car was still there, and so was the house, sort of. All the gutters had been ripped off, parts of the roof were gone, the parts of the siding were hanging down, trees were down and snapped in half, and there was s a large tree on the house. Our grill was gone, the garage door busted in, and the load bearing beams that held up the porch were all gone. A couple of windows were broken too, but the worst was the debris from other homes that had hit both my car and house. I found it ironic that the sky was so blue and birds were chirping. As I looked around the neighborhood, I could hear the sounds of chainsaws and people were coming from all over to help. Tarps were already being tacked down to roofs and people were thankful. I was overwhelmed.

Jeremy first entered the house and wouldn’t let me or Ian in. Once I saw the broken window, it was a different story. I had to get inside to check on my first baby. My Baby Kitty needed me…if she was still there. I looked at Jeremy, handed over Ian, and ran inside. There she was, doing the kitty low crawl, meowing, and twitching. She was there, and she was alive, but shaken. I thought I had cried hard when Ian was first placed in my arms. But on Sunday, I cried the hardest I have ever cried. I couldn’t believe my kitty was alive. I know it seems strange to read this, but she was my first baby. She’s been with me longer than my spouse, and she’s always around when I needed her. I felt like I abandoned my kitty in a time of need. I also think that my tears were that of stress and relief. Our belongings, our “stuff” had made it. It was covered in glass and dirt, but at least it was there. Nothing was seriously damaged.

In the mess that can be my family, Jeremy and I both forgot our cell phones on Saturday when we went to my mom’s house. There had been a recall to make sure that people were safe. Jeremy had obviously missed that. So, now a series of phone calls had to be made. Jeremy called his Capt, a really tough as nails girl named Chandra Lecompte, and I called my friend Julie Yuson who is also the Commander’s wife. Jeremy told his captain we were fine and I told Julie we needed help. So already the “fun” was beginning. Jeremy hates being a burden and I know when I’m overwhelmed and need help and direction. If Chandra LaCompte was coming over; that meant direction was too.


Ian was starting to get fussy because he was home and wanted to play. We couldn’t put him anywhere but in his crib. He wasn’t having that. Everything had to be documented, and we had to start packing. I was so happy when the Yuson family walked through my door. Next the First Sergeant came, and a good friend, MSgt Wimmer showed up. They all parked at the Food Lion and walked down to get to us. Chandra had a good idea; she brought her boyfriend’s truck. Jeremy met her with a utility bill, and Jeremy had to say his Captain was his girlfriend in order to get her and the truck down to our house. In a matter of minutes the first load of our belongings was packed up in a pickup truck and we were going to stay with the Yuson’s. We had no home. It was gone.

I am officially homeless. People have offered up their spare rooms for us, and that’s so wonderful, but my family and I are officially homeless. The Reynolds Family no longer resides on Godfrey Drive in Fayetteville, NC. We are staying in the Candlewood Suites and will be here until Jeremy deploys. I will move in with my mother. I am not looking forward to it. The reason is a strange one, but I feel that being too far away from the post that I love is going to isolate me from my military family. I ADORE my military family. They are the reason I have kept my sanity. My military family packed up my house yesterday and put all of my belongings in storage. They have held me close and let me cry on them. Above all, my military family gets me. I don’t know what I would do, or who I would be without them. I have come to realize something as I become more and more of an adult; that being a military family member is entirely who I am.


I have had some really hard days lately, and they will get worse before they get better. I will hit huge potholes and run through every emotion before coming to the one that suits me best. I will miss my husband when he leaves, and I will pick up our lives, and find us a home. I will face this deployment of Jeremy’s head on, and I will face this loss and come out of it a better person. For those of you who suffered greatly, I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray so hard for you and I will hope beyond anything that you will be okay. I will hope that you will have the friends and family around you that can be your shoulder when you need help. I hope that everyone can have a wonderful military family like the Reynolds Family does. Thank you to everyone for your love and support. I know that there are not enough words in the English language to express my gratitude.

Getting Ready

Yup, that’s what I’m doing, I’m getting ready. I’m getting ready to say “See you later” to my husband. I’m getting ready to become a single parent for awhile. I’m getting ready to live with worry and fear. I’m getting ready to be strong, stronger than I’ve ever been because my family needs me. I’m getting ready to be alone…really alone…so lonely that it will appear as if I am wearing a veil; a shroud of emptiness.


I don’t laugh the same when he is gone. It’s almost hallow. I don’t feel things as fully when he is gone. I keep wishing he was around to experience the living I’m doing. I don’t stop thinking about him. He is on my mind when I go to sleep and he’s my first thought in the morning. So many spouses, military spouses, use blogging as their outlet. This is the place where they can truly put into words how they feel. Why can’t we say these words out loud? Why do I have to appear to be so tough? Deep down in the very bottom of my heart, I’m a scared little girl. I’m scared that my husband will be a changed man when he comes home and I will not recognize him.


Fears like this are real. Military families, cops, EMTs, there are so many, our families have to endure hardships in life that none will ever begin to understand. How could they? They aren’t exposed to our stresses. Today, I am stressed. My stress levels are so high that I am overwhelmed, over stimulated, tired, and fearful. I feel as if I’m running in a giant circle and all I can do is smile. I just need five minutes to figure it all out. Take a deep breath and take five minutes. Five minutes…well maybe more than five. I’ll take ten.


I’m trying not to be angry about the circumstances of why Jeremy is leaving so quickly. I’m trying hard to keep my faith strong. My faith, it’s be challenged every day. I must keep it strong for my son, for my family. Even now, as I type and reflect, I wonder what my faith is. Is it my faith in God, the “system”, people, my own beliefs? What is being challenged? I just don’t know, but inside I feel empty. It’s like the wind is being knocked out of my sails and I can’t stop it right now. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should let myself get knocked down a little bit so I can get back up to face another day. Is that what I’m supposed to do? Sometimes only time can heal a person’s wounds and I feel so wounded right now.


Here’s one of my knockdowns and pick me up moments: I have a hernia and will go for my surgical consult after Jeremy leaves. I will be forced to depend on others for my care after I have surgery. I will be forced to have people help me care for my child. I am still very angry and trying not to be. I know it seems like things can’t get much worse, and I’m sure they can’t, but I honestly don’t feel as if they are that bad. I will just move forward and take care of life the way I’m expected to. I will still be angry at the circumstances of his rapid departure, but take my deep breaths and move on.


Today Jeremy went in to get powers of attorney for me, and to update and finalize his will. I had to double check that my brother and sister in law to make sure that if anything happens to me while Jeremy is gone, or if anything happens to us both that my son is taken care of. I don’t know of many jobs where a parent must put together a will in order to do that job.


We get ready. We get ready for great change. Not necessarily good change, but great amounts of change. I’ll drive extra carefully, I’ll make sure my child is strapped in, I’ll hope and pray that a plastic bubble of safety will surround us, but know that I can’t stop living. I’ll get ready to fight the fear that can grip me and not let me enjoy my time with my son and my friends. My anger will subside, my feelings will be fine, and my physical person will get better. My son will thrive and grow and before we know it, Jeremy will be home.


We get ready all the time for our lives to be consistently inconsistent. We get ready to see our worlds get turned upside and downside up all the time. It’s a hard, scary, frustrating, exciting, learning, growing, insane time. I wouldn’t be any other wife in this world, but Jeremy’s wife and I am so happy that I am a military spouse and mother. Be safe my sweet Jeremy. Be safe, come home to your family, and never forget that we love you. It is our love that will keep you safe when you are gone…and when you come home, get ready to be treated like the hero you are to us.