Non-Deployers in a Deployable Place and Other Things That Don’t Make Sense

My husband is in a squadron and the whole purpose is to train to deploy with the Army.  Yup, he’s Air Force Weather and he plays in the same sandbox with the Army.  I would say that he might be an Army Dabbler.  He’ll go to jump school eventually, and complete whatever training that is required by both branches.  I see NCO Academy, some training at Fairchild AFB, another at Ft. Carson, and weapons, etc.  I don’t think this is such a big deal.  I personally feel that he needs to be prepared for his job.  An ill prepared service member means that the mission is at stake.  What is this mission you ask?  I can tell you.  Our mission is to crush and destroy the enemy.  Who is this enemy?  I can tell you that too.  Our enemy is a group of terrorists that live halfway across the world (not in caves), who hatch up ways to kill all Americans.  I feel that I have summed up what the purpose is of Jeremy’s job.  I might be oversimplifying this, but I don’t think so. 

So here’s something that’s been bugging me since we moved to Ft. Bragg.  How can people who are non-deployable be assigned to a “train to deploy” squadron?  I have to ask this question because this happens.  I’m going to present a series of scenarios for you dear reader that might provide some insight that I am actually thinking about as I am typing. 

1. 1.      A person is on a medical profile.  Profiles come because the service member has been injured or suffered an accident, etc and needs time to recover and become healthy again.  Also included in medical profiles are mental health illnesses.  In this day, PTSD is something that cannot be overlooked which is why I am including mental health in with all medical profiles.

    Sometimes a profile can be used as an excuse to not do ones job.  We have all heard the stories of those that can milk the system.  I don’t personally care for those people, but that’s just my opinion.   I’m sure there’s more out there, but for the sake of this blog, I’m going to say all medical issues, both physical and mental will fall under “medical profile.” 

1. 2.    Family problems can prevent a person from deploying.  Well, I have seen this happen in the Air Force.  I know of people that were tasked for their seventh deployment and because of a serious family issue, they were able to stay home and take care of their family.  I think it’s impressive that the AF would do that.  I also think it can be frustrating because someone has to go in their place.  This topic breaks down into two subcategories:  Those that disclose information about family issues and those that don’t.

a.    Full Disclosure:  Those service members that make their command aware of family issues (whatever they are), to me are people who are taking responsibility for their family.  They want to get the help that is needed and know that resources exist to help.   Yes, they may not be able to deploy at that moment, but you need to make sure your family is okay. 

b.    Non Disclosure:  Then you have those that don’t tell anyone that they have family members that are having problems.  I have come across this recently too.  This is actually the reason that Jeremy is deployed.  Without breaking confidence, this is not an ideal situation.  When a person is tasked to deploy, in my mind, it would be best to bring up all situations that could arise.  In our case, Jeremy brought up that we have no house, and I have a hernia, and I can’t stand living with my mother.  But the reason why he is in Afghanistan caught people unaware and it has been a determent to the mission.  Needless to say it’s been a determent to my family too.  The moral of this subcategory is to make people aware of your family and any issues that could arise.  The squadron wants to help.  It’s their job and they would like to be effective at that job.  Oh, when you get home early and someone has to go in your place, don’t go around telling everyone you work with that your family problems have happened before.  That means to me that you knew problems would arise, told no one and did nothing. 

1. 3.  Lastly, people really don’t think they will have to deploy.  Seriously?  We've been at war for ten years.  How on earth would you think that?  I know recruiters can be a little shady, I've heard stories, but come on!  Have you been living under a rock? 

So these are the reasons that I see why people can’t deploy.  I think some of these stink, but that can’t be helped.  I think some are preventable, but again can’t be helped if people aren’t aware.  So, what can be done about non-deployers?  Well, I’ve been thinking about that.  As a bleeding heart liberal, I want to help people.  I want to show them the resources available and get them the help they need.  However, I live in the real world (not the MTV show) and know that I can’t make people accept assistance or get it.  If it’s medical, that’s different because the military person can be ordered to get help.  If it’s the family member, it’s up to the active duty person to tell people, work with the base, take care of their family, and do what’s best.  

Don’t be that person that people are constantly having to deploy for.  I know this is the military and nothing can be right or fair, but you non-deployer that’s not interested in helping yourself, families have to separate because of you.  So fix yourself, and if you don’t want to, then maybe you should re-think your chosen career.  

This now brings me to the “other things” part of the title.  Military families are forced to move to locations that people don’t like.  For example, I know plenty of people that liked being at Offutt and living outside Omaha.  I was not one of those people.  I didn’t like Offutt.  I thought the base was sorely lacking in the deployed family support that we have here.  Not only that, but it seemed to me that it was a 9-5 base.  Once offices closed and people went home, they weren’t really in the military that was just their daytime gig.  I also thought that the zoo in Omaha was boring.  Sorry for you that love that zoo; I was unimpressed.  I could have complained a lot more than I did.  But I tried to do my best.  I started a spouses group, I found a college full of people that I love, and I made good friends there.  I miss them so much.  But I don’t miss the weather and I don’t miss living there.  I got involved and some great things happened to us there. 

We are people that actually like Ft. Bragg.  I know…crazy, but we do.  We are East Coast people.  Though it’s not close enough to ocean, we have enough random bodies of water that make it nice.  This squadron is unlike any Jeremy has ever been assigned to.  It’s all about the mission, and the mission must be accomplished.  Our commander is one that sees that people must be trained and their families must be provided for and he ensures that his mentality is conveyed in his every action.  I’m not saying that it’s not like this in other places, but it was different.  The mission is in your face here. 

The point that I’m trying to make is that you need to shut up.  Stop complaining and if you’re going to then please make sure it’s about something that warrants complaining.  Hating a place because it’s around the Army and the town has crime isn’t much to complain about.  Last I checked you still have a roof over your head and family that loves you.  You could come and live with my mother, and then you would really have something complain about. 

We have to make the best of what we’ve been given.  I have forgotten this lately.  It’s been that hard for me.  I struggle every day to keep my head up because of everything going on.  I can’t let life get to me the way it is, or I will lose my mind.  So maybe, through cooperation, support, and friendship we can make it through the hard times and rejoice in the good.  

The Tears Don’t Seem To Stop

There are days when I wonder how many tears can one human being produce?  I have seriously solved the water issues for the entire state of North Carolina with my freaking tears!  I’m not joking; I cry that much.  I would like to say that it’s pitiful, but it’s not.  I am so sensitive right now and any act of kindness, love, whatever makes me cry. 

Today as I was leaving my new gym I saw a man in a motorized wheelchair coming in.  I said hello and chatted with him.  I saw his tattoo and realized that it was an insignia of some kind.  He was in the Army.  He had lost both of his legs from the knee down and one arm from the elbow down.  I didn’t get his name, but I did find out that his injuries and loss came from and IED in Afghanistan.  Afghanistan, that’s where my Jeremy is.  I tried not to look worried, but he could tell I was. 

“Is your husband over there?”  He asked. 

“Yes, he’s there.” I replied. 

“Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s safe,” he responded. 

I tried not to cry.  I held back tears, and I’m holding them back now.  Safe, what an odd word to say about a person who is at war.  I know what Jeremy does.  He’s not infantry, he’s not humping a ruck, and out there in anymore of that shithole country, but I think the tears were for the others that are there.  The tears were for my friends, my military family that is out there every day, living in that shithole country.  The tears were for my husband who is not home and is there and told me that it’s “no joke” there and that some of the things he has seen make him beyond sick. 

So, I cry…a lot…all the time.  I cried to Jeremy via Skype and told him that I am being pushed to a point that I didn’t know existed.  I cried after I got off the phone with my friend Julie who let complain about my moody mother who doesn’t seem interested in providing me the help that I need, I cry when I hold Ian close and he wants to know where his Dada is, and I cry when I am all alone because it seems to be the only release I have some days. 

I need to stop these tears.  They need to just go away or they need to come around when tears are really needed.  Tears of joy are just fine, but crying because my eyeballs have sprung a leak…well that’s weird.  If I didn’t feel so lonely that would probably help.  If I could really talk to Jeremy, like we do when he’s home, that would help too.  If I keep myself distracted that will help out too.  Thank goodness I have a gym membership.  Mostly, I just need to remember that even though he’s gone, he’s not gone forever and will eventually be home with me.  Until he’s home, I’ll just have to carry a lot of tissues.  

My Husband Deploys to Portsmouth

That could potentially be quote of the month and I owe it to my best friend Julie.  She made me laugh so hard with that.  Amazing how someone you’ve known for thirteen years knows exactly what to say to make you feel better.  You see, I’m actually in a bad mood…a really bad mood.  I mean the kind of bad mood that I should not be around people unless it’s absolutely necessary.  Well, I was in that foul of a mood; I’m doing a little better now. 

I can honestly write that I have been struggling with this blog entry for a week.  Part of it is everything that is really pissing me off is still unfolding.  The other part is that I can’t seem to organize my thoughts, so now I’m using bullet points.  I think it could be the best way to get out how I am feeling and attempt to problem solve at the same time.    

• Jeremy:  I can’t believe I feel this way, but again I need to be honest.  I miss him so much, but it’s a good thing he’s not around right now.  I have been cleaning up some of his messes for the last week and unable to take care of much else.  It’s been hard because this is a reoccurring problem in our marriage.  I’ll provide an example.  We had an automatic rent payment to our old property managers.  Jeremy cancelled it after rent had been paid for May.  Did he call the property manager before he left?  No, and he had time.  He could have emailed the company, but didn’t do that either.  I know he was stressed and busy, but so am I.  If a person who is deploying can remember their gear because it’s on a CHECKLIST, then they can use a CHECKLIST to take care of personal things as well.  He had the time off and was done packing for his deployment.  I finally got the check on Tuesday, but that’s after sending three emails and getting Jeremy’s 1^st Sgt involved. 
• The stress this caused:  Well this just became an issue for me.  I hate having the ball dropped.  I also cannot stand tasks over and over again.  Why not just complete a task the right way the first time? Here’s the difference between myself and Jeremy.  He’ll drag out two days worth of errands into a week, and I want it done NOW!  Of course I want things done now.  My ultimate goal is to have that crap off my plate so I can enjoy my time with my family.  I can’t relax if my mind is distracted about all the crap I need to get done.  I think what made me really want to hurt the poor hubby is that he knows this.  That’s what hurt my feelings and made me feel like I was being taken for granted.  So our time before he left and we had some time because he took leave was full of stress and errands and it didn't need to be that way.   As I was venting to my friend and making the excuse of being military for Jeremy, she said it has nothing to do with being military, it has everything to do with being a man.  It was awesome…and true.  That’s when Julie said, “My husband only deploys to Portsmouth every morning and he will do the same thing.”  I then responded with something like, I can’t forget to do stuff…whatever the stuff is.  I’m always expected to have it together. I also cracked a back joke about Portsmouth.  
• The need for change:  Well, I actually said to Jeremy, “something has to change because I can’t deal with this anymore. “  And I can’t.  I need him just as together at home as he is work.  And lately, we haven’t been partners; we've been at each other’s throats.  I know it’s been hard with all of our stress.  Our situation of homelessness, deployment, needing a surgery…well the list seems endless and our situation isn't ideal.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Jeremy is a bad husband because he’s not.  He’s so amazing, but he has his flaws like I do.  He’s so laid back that nothing really bothers him so he can drag crap out for days.  I’m so ADD  that doing that makes me crazy and sends me over the edge.  We need to learn how to compromise, but I don’t know how.  I think it’s time with get outside help because we've been trying to work on this for years and we’re getting nowhere.  Now, I’m so angry at him that I can’t let it go.  Everytime I think about it, I get mad all over again and that’s not good.  We both must give to get, and in the end we’ll be better and stronger.
• I have to change too.  I can’t be the one that expects Jeremy to make all the changes.  This one really piggybacks off of number three, but I needed to expand on this.  I always say that you have to give to get.  What haven’t I been giving him to get him to be the man I know he is?  Lately we've been so off that it worries me.  We are usually so good at reading each other, communicating with each other, but it’s been hard.  Deployments are tough, but coupled with everything else…well you get where I’m going with this.  I too need to manage my time better, and I too need to figure out how to prioritize and get the most out of my day.  Jeremy and I need to do that together.   I have married the best man on the planet; I really did.  I know some of you feel that way about your spouse and that’s great, but they are no Jeremy Reynolds.
•  A solution:  I need to put on my big girl britches and be proactive.  We need to get some help for time management and figure out where our communication breakdown is.  If we need to get outside help, then that’s what we do.  My marriage is worth every fight and battle.  My life with Jeremy is everything I never knew I wanted.  He truly makes me a better person, and I’m too selfish to let that go.  So now we prepare to get ourselves back on track, figure out our new family dynamic with Ian, and realize that taking each other for granted is not cool.  One problem down, another to go!

Seriously, another problem…I know, I can’t believe it either.  This is an issue that’s been brewing for months, maybe years.  My mother and I don’t get along well.  Not anymore.  I don’t think I am explaining this well.  We do get along, just in small dosages. Now, I’m living in her home with my child and I’m losing my mind.  Some days, she’s so helpful and amazing, but other days she can’t be bothered.  I never know what day it is when I wake up.  Ian is crazy about his Grammie and Opa.  Chris, my step-dad walks into the room and Ian starts saying “Pa Pa” for Opa.  He even makes a G sound for my mom.  He knows who they are.  If I had finished writing this a couple of days ago, it would have been an all out bashing of my mother.  Today, I have let go of the anger towards her, and realized that I have to be the one that changes my behavior towards her.  I need to let her know what I want and need in regards to assistance with Ian, and what I am doing each day.  She likes knowing that stuff.  I find it very annoying, but it provides some form of structure for her day.

 

I have said it before and I will say it again and again, sometimes you just have to play the game.  As my friend Amanda says, “Shut up and color.”  But there are times that I am absolutely amazed by my mother. When I say amazed, it’s because I’m in shock at some of the things she says and does.  I could use a bunch of cliché statements to describe about how I should behave and respond, but I won’t.  There’s no point.  I have seen a change in my mother that last few years that I find unlikeable.  I guess that’s all I can say about it.

I am waiting for a day when things start to get a little bit easier.  I am waiting for what it was like in mid-April when we were just a family with a husband that was gearing up for a deployment.  I’m trying to get my son and I back into some form of a routine.  I am also trying not to be mad that Jeremy is gone.  I know it’s his job, blah, blah…that’s not the problem.  What is my problem you wonder?  I miss my husband and my complete family.  I miss us, being an “us” and having fun just laughing with him.  I am sad that we are buying our first house and he’s not here for the closing date, and helping me tear up carpet, paint walls, and get new cabinetry for the kitchen.  He’ll come home and everything will have changed; everything. 

So my issue is simple, and I will be okay.  I will just be sad and miss the hubby.  I will be mad at him for the dumb shit he does as he will be with me, and we will figure out how to get ourselves back on track.  I will accept my mother for being my mother and know she will never change.  However, I will be sad and miss my husband until he is home.