"...and no one even knew we were there."

“We spent our entire childhoods in the service of our country, and no one even knew we were there.” Pat Conroy.

I think toddler-hood is a difficult time.  I think it’s difficult for both parent and child for many reasons.  The child cannot fully communicate his/her needs and parents aren't well versed in screams, grunts, tears, etc.  I feel that almost anyone can agree that toddler-hood is just a fairly unpleasant, but learning time.  My child taught me something recently that I hadn't, as a military wife, fully prepped for. 

Ian really missed his dad while he was deployed.  Because of Jeremy’s absence, Ian cannot leave his father’s side; his separation anxiety is incredibly intense.  If Jeremy walks out of the room, Ian is in tears, screaming, and is almost inconsolable.  Only Jeremy can make Ian feel better, greet him in the morning, or feed him.  Jeremy is truly the greatest person in the world at this moment.  I can’t even write that I’m jealous because I’m not.  I am concerned though.

Our littlest warriors go through the hardest time when their parent is away.  As the wife/mom, I have activities, volunteering, a job, etc to occupy my time.  Yes there are moments throughout my day that I wish that Jeremy could be home for dinner, but I move on very quickly.  Why?  Well, I have the ability to rationalize our choice to be a military family.  I made a choice just like Jeremy; however, my son did not. 

The child of the service member, affectionately known as Military Brat, is one of the most interesting groups of children.  They group up all over and experience a world that most people only read about.  I grew up a military brat, married military, and knew that my child would grow up just like me.  But wait, he isn’t growing up just like me.  I grew up in a military world that was post Vietnam and though my father fought in Vietnam, he didn't in my lifetime.  My father was never gone for long deployments because they didn’t exist then.  Yes we had troops in certain locations, but nothing like what our military experiences now. 

My Ian…my sweet, sweet Ian.  I see the way you cling to your dad when you see him.  My little warrior is having nightmares, crying out for his father, has been on edge and out of sorts. 

I feel so powerless.  I’m his mother and I want to take away the pain and apprehension my son feels right now…but I can’t.  He will have to go through this and learn that just because daddy went to the store it doesn’t mean he’s gone forever.   I promise you little one, my sweet Ian, that your Daddy will be home and he loves you more than these words can convey. 

Aim High By Being Army Strong

I live in Fayetteville, North Carolina.  If any of my readers know anything about military life, they will know that Fayetteville is home to Fort Bragg.  And Fort Bragg seems to be home to it all.  

Fort Bragg, NC is home to the 82nd Airborne Division.  The Division has a long and glorious military history that can be googled...no OPSEC violations here!  The Division is part of a bigger picture known as The XVIII or 18th Airborne Corp who are called the "Sky Dragons."  We, who are lucky enough to be a part of this rich military history, are honored, humbled, and fearsome.  

Every day I drive onto Fort Bragg and I'm like a kid in a candy shop.  I find it to be so exciting.  There is an energy field that surrounds post.  Not a real one because I don't think they have been invented, but a figurative one.  Fort Bragg is full of energy.  The soldiers here are young and old, they are new, middle of their career, or close to retiring, they are sweet and kind, they are Army Strong.  There are times when I feel that Fort Bragg is truly the center of the military universe.  

Since my arrival in Nov 2010 to Fort Bragg, I have experienced military life that I knew existed, but it never felt real.  I was a stranger in what I thought was a familiar land.  Turned out I was a stranger in a strange land.  As Jeremy checked into his squadron, we both hit the ground running with a tiny baby in tow.  Jeremy was getting brought up to speed, and I became the Key Spouse.  The Operations Tempo on Fort Bragg is out of control.  It's high...constant...serious.  These people don't mess around with our nation's defense.  You all should be glad.  

Overwhelming doesn’t accurately describe my days, my world was turned upside down and I was getting used to being a mom.  My head was spinning round and round and there were days that I could barely keep up.  A decision had to be made; moreover, a choice had to be made.  The combining of both worlds, Army and Air Force was the only way I was going to survive those first few months.   

Within a few months, Pope AFB closed its doors and became Pope AAF.  Left behind were 3,000-5,000 Air Force personnel and their families.  I felt even more lost than before.  At least when I had an AFB to retreat to when I felt confused by the Army world, life would come together for me.  Now, Fort Bragg is a joint base.  I don't mean joint like the rest of them...I mean JOINT!   Fort Bragg was on the verge of doing something really different.  The AF here is now a tenant unit and both branches truly have to depend on each other for all forms of family support.

It was in these months, submerging myself into the Army FRG world, and becoming an Army/AF wife that I created my personal mission statement. Aim High by being Army Strong. 

In the year since we have truly joint forces, the families at Fort Bragg have learned something. We have learned that there isn’t much difference between ourselves, just a different uniform.  Our branches deploy, both branches miss their deployed service member, and both branches experience that loss that when their airman or soldier is gone.

Change is scary even when wanted.  Fort Bragg and Pope have been almost childlike in their approach to this change.  These powerful military branches know that there really isn’t a monster under the bed, but the little kid says there still is.  It’s the unknown that’s the scary monster and it’s that fear that could make even the strongest a little insecure. 

Fort Bragg, my advice to you is: keep on reaching out to Air Force families.  Remember that communication and education are the keys to change.  My hats off to you for trying so hard this last year!  The road hasn’t been without its speed bumps, but you keep on trying.  Thank you! 

Pope AAF, my advice to you is:  communicate, communicate, communicate.  Always ask questions and don’t be afraid to ask for change when told no.  The path ahead of us is going to be rocky, but if Air Force families at Fort Bragg remember to aim high while being army strong, then life will be truly exceptional for us.  

I Haven't Done What You've Done

In case you don't know, I am a military wife.  Now that I have that part out of the way, I can fully discuss with you all what's been on my mind lately.  

I love being a military wife.  I mean absolutely LOVE it.  It's the coolest thing that I have ever done.  I love being married to my Airman, and I love raising a military child.  The many facets of military life are exciting to me,  and this world which a few Americans reside in, fascinates me.  There is one thing that I don't particularly care for...the judgement.  

The Judgement...The Military Spouse Judgment.  It happens, trust me.  It's insane too.  Spouses judge themselves, other spouses, are judged by military members, by civilians, by the entire population of the world.  Why?  Oh, because the entire population of the world is made up of people and it seems to be in the nature of people to judge.  I do; however, feel that the judgment in military spouse world seems to be harsh.  

I don't deploy.

I don't go TDY.

I don't jump out of planes.  For that matter, I don't do anything combative.
I don't do anything military related except...


I maintain our home. 
I do move a lot. 
I am disappointed frequently because of the rotten "deployment/TDY luck" that happens the moment my husband walks out the door.  
I raise a child alone.  
I worry constantly.
I live in a state of stress that isn't normal to 99% of Americans. 
I am constant love and support.  


I would have to believe that being all of those things is enough in my world.  Sadly it isn't. Not only am I resourceful, a source of information, open up my home to strangers, support my husband, but since my husband has only deployed twice...my opinion on deployments doesn't count.  


That's right...only twice.  That more than some, not as many as the soldiers at Fort Bragg, and since he's Air Force, we are really judged.  That's the problem.  Why does it matter how much he's deployed or where he's deployed too?  Why does it matter what his job is? The war our service members deploy too is so different.  The war they face when they come home is just as different.  Why, oh why, oh why does this judgement exist?  Isn't it enough that he's gone, he's been in Afghanistan, and my family was barely hanging on?  Why is my experience with the military dismissed?  


I can't even begin to compile the list of organizations that have been dismissive to me.  I'm not sure if I want to start that list.  People would be shocked at the organizations that have dismissed me for being "some military spouse". Yet here I am, writing about how this continues to happen.  For me it feels like for every awesome military spouse organization that exists, there's the one that that's super loud and puts down the spouse.  For every First Sergeant that thinks that the spouse is awesome, there's one that's non-responsive and can't stand us.  It's those "ones" that really knock the wind out of our sails.  


You want to know something really crazy?  Military spouses judge each other as well.  I have been on the phone many times and passed judgments against other spouses, service members, people.  I can't think of how many times I've stared at a person that asks about joining the military, but only if they don't deploy.  I've actually responded, "then you probably shouldn't join."  I know that might not be the best response, but the military isn't just for any old person in my mind.  Those that decide to step up and protect and defend our Constitution are an exceptional bunch.  I personally don't want someone joining who is looking for an easy way out in life.  Well look at that...judgement.  


Talking about this seems to be the best medicine.  Judgment disappears through communication and education.  As an educator, I long for education to be the inspiration to change.  I must have faith that I will change my ways so I won't judge others.  Isn't this world hard enough?  Don't military families go through enough without us tearing each other apart?  The answer to that question is simple, it's yes.  


Try not to judge me and I'll try not to judge you.  Life is tough, deployments suck, and being away from your spouse isn't fun.  

Really Tough

Never in a parent’s life do they want to admit that there is something “wrong” with their child.  Why would you want to admit to that?  That could imply blame on you, as the parent, in the way you are raising your child.  Who wants that?  But sometimes, just sometimes a parent must face facts and admit that some help is needed.  Everyone, especially the child, is better for getting that needed help. 

My son needs a helmet to re-shape his head.  They are called cranial re-shaping helmets.  Ian developed a flat spot at four or five weeks old.  I knew that he would need to have something done, but since we were moving from Offutt AFB to Ft. Bragg, I didn't press the issue.  Once we got to Ft. Bragg, Ian was assigned a new doctor and we started to monitor the shape of his head.  I was asked to wait until he got a little older so x-rays could be done.  Since the x-rays showed no sign of skull damage, we were asked to wait until he turned twelve months old.  His doctor hoped that this would correct on it's own and that a helmet would not be needed.  I played the game and waited.  All this time, Ian is growing, of course.  That’s what babies do…they grow.   Ian was finally given a consult to see a very nice doctor off post; however, it took us seven weeks to get an appt.  Time is not on our side and from the research that I’ve been doing Ian needed the helmet when he was six months old.   

Now my son is fourteen months old, and he is finally wearing his cranial re-shaping helmet.  I can see a slight difference already.  We were fortunate that his head has started to round out in the last few months, so he’ll only be in this helmet for three or four months.  I am thankful for many things, but I mostly I am thankful for my tenacity.  I would not give up on getting my son the needed helmet and healthcare that he deserves.  

This has not been an easy decision to put Ian in this helmet.  First, Tricare does not cover this.  We are paying out of pocket for something that is incredibly expensive.  Second, I have to wonder, as a mother, if there was something I could have done differently.  Should I have held him in a different position, should I have forced a screaming infant into doing more “Tummy Time?”  Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, are words I really don’t like and here’s the reason why.  This expense is a drop in the bucket of what Ian will need in his lifetime.  He’s my son which means, I should do whatever I can to make sure he’s healthy and happy.  To answer the second question, no I couldn’t have done anything different.  Tummy Time is great, but it’s not a cure all.  I held Ian the best way for him to know that he is loved more than anything on the planet.  So no, I couldn’t have done anything different. 

So, why am I so sad about this helmet?   I believe I discovered the answer today when I was brushing my teeth as my sweet boy came toddling over to me with his little helmet on.  I am not interested in him being ridiculed.  I was hoping to keep that away from him for a little while longer.  Do you know how hard it will be to see people staring at him, pointing, whispering, making comments, being rude, or being plain old awful?  My perfect little boy, my sweet son, will be the object of some really lousy jokes for people.  And that makes my heart break.  Already we are enduring comments from Jeremy’s co-workers.  They are actually attacking me as a mother, making fun of the helmet, and being nasty in general. 

I wonder if people ever stop to think about how hard decisions like this one are for parents.  Why would any parent want to put their child through something that will make them the objects of someone’s sick joke?  Do you think that I enjoy seeing people stare at him?  Do you think this is fun for me to explain why he needs this helmet?   Tonight when I held my son in my arms, and he placed his head on my chest for his goodnight hug, I couldn't smell his freshly cleaned hair; I could only smell the plastic of that helmet.  I had to choke back tears.  So badly, I want to remove that helmet and kiss the top of his sweet head and tell him that I love him and that I’m sorry. 

Why is different something to be ridiculed?  Why do I want to just hide inside my house so no one will see Ian?  I know there are more good people than bad people, but I am not sure I am strong enough to take the high road if anything is said.  I am not sure if I can be the better person only because I don’t know if I want to be the better person.  I would love for someone to say something to me about Ian’s helmet.  I am actually looking for the fight.  I am ready to fight with ferocity worse than a lioness.  Ian is my baby, and as his mother I must protect him.  For those of you that wish to continue on your path of being the spineless, ugly, asshole…go ahead.   Remember, you’re the jackass making fun of a baby, and the mother that’s trying to ensure his good health.  Who’s the asshole in that situation?  

A Letter From Daddy...A Renewed Heart

“Dear Ian,

     I’m sorry I can’t be there for your birthday.  I wish I could be there with you and your mother.  You’ll have no idea how much it hurts not seeing you everyday , not being able to see you grow these past few months.  The only good thing about this is you won’t remember this time apart or understand what’s going on.  When you’re older and read this, know that I think of you and your mother every day.  You two are the world to me and even though I may have to go away sometimes, know that I love you and cannot wait to get back to you. 

Love, Daddy”

This letter came a few days after Ian’s first birthday.  I had to read it alone because I cried.  I read it to Ian twice.  Every time you ask him about Daddy, he gets excited, smiles, and looks at a computer.  I’m sad that he thinks that’s where or what Daddy is, but I’m grateful that he remembers. 

Our time is coming to an end; well our current chapter of insanity is coming to an end, and we will begin a new chapter in our lives.  Ian and I are finally moving into our home, Jeremy will be home soonish, and I will start looking for a job.  I will continue volunteering and being the best mother that I can be.  I will try not to worry so much about Ian or buck the system all the time.  I will make and break promises to myself every single day.  But the only promise that I care about is to be good to my family and provide stability in an unstable world. 

I have hope and faith again.  I feel wonderful and our stress seems to be going away.  Yes, this chapter of “Tornado Victim” is almost at an end.  I know new stresses will come my way.  I will feel full of despair at times, and I will have to remind myself that this will all go away and be a distant memory. 

Thank you Jeremy for your wonderful letter to our son.  This time will never even register in his life and that’s okay.  We remember and we love him and are better for everything that has happened. 

I Had No Idea

I Had No Idea

Today is my son’s birthday.  He’s a year old.  He looks so different, but still seems the same to me. I know he’s changed because he would.  He’s a year old and of course he’s changed.  Yet in that small, darkest part of your heart…the place where your deepest secrets are hidden, he is still that little boy that was placed in my arms a year ago.  He is my Ian and he is my baby. 

They really are your babies…forever.  I can see him now as a grown man, but yet will still see him this way. 

Seven years ago I met a guy whose name is Jeremy and I feel in love with him.  I had no idea that he would change my world.  You see, I didn’t want to marry again or ever have children.  He was different.  He made me feel as if I could do anything and not only that…he made me laugh…all the time.  Fourteen months after we started dating, we were married. We stayed married for a while before we had Ian.  There was a move halfway across the world, a knee surgery, a deployment to Iraq, something that always seemed to get in the way of us having Ian.  Finally, Jeremy was home and the stars aligned.   I had baby fever so badly.  If Jeremy didn’t get me pregnant when he came home from Iraq, then I would find Matt Damon and have his children.  On Christmas Eve 2009 we found out that I was pregnant.  I can honestly write this and mean it; Ian is the best present ever. 

This past year though has been insane.  Our Ian came home and eight weeks later we were moving.  Our little one was used to one place and going to another so soon.  We came to NC and had a house that needed so much work to make it our home, but it turned out to be a good home for us.  Ian was happy and that made me happy.  Jeremy was happy and so was I.  Our family was doing well and we were enjoying our life together.   Yes, we were having some hardships, but somehow our lives together were good, and Ian became the center of our world. 

In April we had a string of bad luck that hasn’t really ended.  Jeremy was deploying, I have a hernia, and we lost our rental home to a tornado.  I had to move in with my mother and say goodbye to my husband.  I held our son so close that day Jeremy left that I was worried I would squeeze him.  Ian became my world.  He needs me to be both mommy and daddy.  I wanted Ian to be as happy as he could be.  It’s my job as his parent to shield that tension from him.  I feel that so far I’ve done a pretty good job with that. 

For months it’s been a hard time, but through it all I’ve had my Ian.  He is the light of my life.  Like his father, Ian is my everything. 

I had no idea that I would love my life this much.  It’s a life I never planned for, but I wouldn’t change a thing about it.  Happy birthday my sweet boy.  I love you Ian.  I love you so much.  My birthday wish for you is to know love, happiness, friendship, kindness, and faith.  May you wake up each day full of hope and joy, and may you get to see your father soon.  We love you little one.  We love you more than you will ever know.  

What is Freedom?

Facebook has become part of the American way.  People are serious addicts and post every single detail of their lives on it.  So it’s odd when statuses actually make me inspired enough to blog. 

“On this Independence Day, remember...The American flag does not fly because the wind moves past it. The American flag flies from the last breath of each military member who has died protecting it. American soldiers don't fight because they hate what's in front of them...they fight because they love what's behind them." Re-Post this if you support our troops! 

The people that asserted our independence were not military.  They were farmers, politicians, plantation owners, lawyers, doctors, businessmen, pacifists, husbands, and fathers.  These were people that knew we were at a stalemate and could no longer continue on the path that our country was on.  Well, not all of them felt that way.  To be honest, no one really wants war.  The loss of life, the causalities, and the despair that come from war should ALWAYS be a last resort.  These things did weigh heavily on the minds of our founders.  After the Boston Massacre, the Edenton Tea Party and the Boston Tea Party, the invasions into our homes, the taxation, the overall oppression of a monarch that was going insane.

Some felt that we could still reach a reasonable agreement, but how could we when our Parliament representatives had no power and stood there like helpless children.  How could a country treat its so called citizens like they were nothing?  Now there will be those of you who will want to respond that we are going through the same thing.  I will happily disagree.  You have something that the colonists never had…rights.  If you, the person reading this, chooses not to exercise your rights, then that is your choice.  American colonists had no rights.  It was brave men such as Richard Henry Lee, John Adams, Josiah Bartlett, Samuel Chase, and Edward Rutledge that made a difference.  It was the men and woman that watched their homes, farms, businesses; plantations get burned to the ground or taken from them that made a difference.  It was a man of Native American and African American decent that made a difference.  His name was Crispus Attucks and he died a free man fighting for his beliefs. 

Our military, what little we had, did what they always do.  They followed orders.  They brought their families to the frontlines to protect them.  Some deserted because of the harsh winters, sickness, lack of food, and clothing, while some took up arms to protect their homes.  Battles were fought in Massachusetts to Virginia and beyond, and people, plain, ordinary people sacrificed it all.  I celebrate that.  I am the embodiment of freedom.  I am an American citizen that stands up for our people, and I celebrate the sacrifices that were made by all. 

The flag flies because I put it up on a flagpole.  It is a beautiful symbol, but it is not one that means as much to me as the people of this country do.  Would you not raise a militia in defense of this nation?  I know I would!  Would you not protect this country?  I would!  What are the sacrifices that you have made for this nation?  I have sacrificed greatly for this nation and I will continue to until this nation no longer needs my sacrifice.  You want freedom, then stop looking for someone else to provide it.  Ensure your freedom by being an active citizen.  The flag is a piece of cloth, but this nation, and its citizens…well, that’s something worth fighting for.  That’s something all of us should be proud of. 

There will be some of you who read this and think that I don't support our military.  Go ahead and think something that insane.  In case you don't know, my husband is in Afghanistan.  However, I feel that it is incorrect to think that the military was one that secured our freedom.  They maintain our freedom now.  They did secure it, but it was all colonists, all Americans that helped to secure our freedom.  

So my challenge to you, dear reader is this:  Learn to be an active citizen.  Be what our founders wanted.  Be the best American you can be.  Be the dream that people have died for in protection.  Be a good person and know that you are freedom.   “And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.”