A Letter From Daddy...A Renewed Heart

“Dear Ian,

     I’m sorry I can’t be there for your birthday.  I wish I could be there with you and your mother.  You’ll have no idea how much it hurts not seeing you everyday , not being able to see you grow these past few months.  The only good thing about this is you won’t remember this time apart or understand what’s going on.  When you’re older and read this, know that I think of you and your mother every day.  You two are the world to me and even though I may have to go away sometimes, know that I love you and cannot wait to get back to you. 

Love, Daddy”

This letter came a few days after Ian’s first birthday.  I had to read it alone because I cried.  I read it to Ian twice.  Every time you ask him about Daddy, he gets excited, smiles, and looks at a computer.  I’m sad that he thinks that’s where or what Daddy is, but I’m grateful that he remembers. 

Our time is coming to an end; well our current chapter of insanity is coming to an end, and we will begin a new chapter in our lives.  Ian and I are finally moving into our home, Jeremy will be home soonish, and I will start looking for a job.  I will continue volunteering and being the best mother that I can be.  I will try not to worry so much about Ian or buck the system all the time.  I will make and break promises to myself every single day.  But the only promise that I care about is to be good to my family and provide stability in an unstable world. 

I have hope and faith again.  I feel wonderful and our stress seems to be going away.  Yes, this chapter of “Tornado Victim” is almost at an end.  I know new stresses will come my way.  I will feel full of despair at times, and I will have to remind myself that this will all go away and be a distant memory. 

Thank you Jeremy for your wonderful letter to our son.  This time will never even register in his life and that’s okay.  We remember and we love him and are better for everything that has happened. 

I Had No Idea

I Had No Idea

Today is my son’s birthday.  He’s a year old.  He looks so different, but still seems the same to me. I know he’s changed because he would.  He’s a year old and of course he’s changed.  Yet in that small, darkest part of your heart…the place where your deepest secrets are hidden, he is still that little boy that was placed in my arms a year ago.  He is my Ian and he is my baby. 

They really are your babies…forever.  I can see him now as a grown man, but yet will still see him this way. 

Seven years ago I met a guy whose name is Jeremy and I feel in love with him.  I had no idea that he would change my world.  You see, I didn’t want to marry again or ever have children.  He was different.  He made me feel as if I could do anything and not only that…he made me laugh…all the time.  Fourteen months after we started dating, we were married. We stayed married for a while before we had Ian.  There was a move halfway across the world, a knee surgery, a deployment to Iraq, something that always seemed to get in the way of us having Ian.  Finally, Jeremy was home and the stars aligned.   I had baby fever so badly.  If Jeremy didn’t get me pregnant when he came home from Iraq, then I would find Matt Damon and have his children.  On Christmas Eve 2009 we found out that I was pregnant.  I can honestly write this and mean it; Ian is the best present ever. 

This past year though has been insane.  Our Ian came home and eight weeks later we were moving.  Our little one was used to one place and going to another so soon.  We came to NC and had a house that needed so much work to make it our home, but it turned out to be a good home for us.  Ian was happy and that made me happy.  Jeremy was happy and so was I.  Our family was doing well and we were enjoying our life together.   Yes, we were having some hardships, but somehow our lives together were good, and Ian became the center of our world. 

In April we had a string of bad luck that hasn’t really ended.  Jeremy was deploying, I have a hernia, and we lost our rental home to a tornado.  I had to move in with my mother and say goodbye to my husband.  I held our son so close that day Jeremy left that I was worried I would squeeze him.  Ian became my world.  He needs me to be both mommy and daddy.  I wanted Ian to be as happy as he could be.  It’s my job as his parent to shield that tension from him.  I feel that so far I’ve done a pretty good job with that. 

For months it’s been a hard time, but through it all I’ve had my Ian.  He is the light of my life.  Like his father, Ian is my everything. 

I had no idea that I would love my life this much.  It’s a life I never planned for, but I wouldn’t change a thing about it.  Happy birthday my sweet boy.  I love you Ian.  I love you so much.  My birthday wish for you is to know love, happiness, friendship, kindness, and faith.  May you wake up each day full of hope and joy, and may you get to see your father soon.  We love you little one.  We love you more than you will ever know.