Getting Ready

Yup, that’s what I’m doing, I’m getting ready. I’m getting ready to say “See you later” to my husband. I’m getting ready to become a single parent for awhile. I’m getting ready to live with worry and fear. I’m getting ready to be strong, stronger than I’ve ever been because my family needs me. I’m getting ready to be alone…really alone…so lonely that it will appear as if I am wearing a veil; a shroud of emptiness.


I don’t laugh the same when he is gone. It’s almost hallow. I don’t feel things as fully when he is gone. I keep wishing he was around to experience the living I’m doing. I don’t stop thinking about him. He is on my mind when I go to sleep and he’s my first thought in the morning. So many spouses, military spouses, use blogging as their outlet. This is the place where they can truly put into words how they feel. Why can’t we say these words out loud? Why do I have to appear to be so tough? Deep down in the very bottom of my heart, I’m a scared little girl. I’m scared that my husband will be a changed man when he comes home and I will not recognize him.


Fears like this are real. Military families, cops, EMTs, there are so many, our families have to endure hardships in life that none will ever begin to understand. How could they? They aren’t exposed to our stresses. Today, I am stressed. My stress levels are so high that I am overwhelmed, over stimulated, tired, and fearful. I feel as if I’m running in a giant circle and all I can do is smile. I just need five minutes to figure it all out. Take a deep breath and take five minutes. Five minutes…well maybe more than five. I’ll take ten.


I’m trying not to be angry about the circumstances of why Jeremy is leaving so quickly. I’m trying hard to keep my faith strong. My faith, it’s be challenged every day. I must keep it strong for my son, for my family. Even now, as I type and reflect, I wonder what my faith is. Is it my faith in God, the “system”, people, my own beliefs? What is being challenged? I just don’t know, but inside I feel empty. It’s like the wind is being knocked out of my sails and I can’t stop it right now. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should let myself get knocked down a little bit so I can get back up to face another day. Is that what I’m supposed to do? Sometimes only time can heal a person’s wounds and I feel so wounded right now.


Here’s one of my knockdowns and pick me up moments: I have a hernia and will go for my surgical consult after Jeremy leaves. I will be forced to depend on others for my care after I have surgery. I will be forced to have people help me care for my child. I am still very angry and trying not to be. I know it seems like things can’t get much worse, and I’m sure they can’t, but I honestly don’t feel as if they are that bad. I will just move forward and take care of life the way I’m expected to. I will still be angry at the circumstances of his rapid departure, but take my deep breaths and move on.


Today Jeremy went in to get powers of attorney for me, and to update and finalize his will. I had to double check that my brother and sister in law to make sure that if anything happens to me while Jeremy is gone, or if anything happens to us both that my son is taken care of. I don’t know of many jobs where a parent must put together a will in order to do that job.


We get ready. We get ready for great change. Not necessarily good change, but great amounts of change. I’ll drive extra carefully, I’ll make sure my child is strapped in, I’ll hope and pray that a plastic bubble of safety will surround us, but know that I can’t stop living. I’ll get ready to fight the fear that can grip me and not let me enjoy my time with my son and my friends. My anger will subside, my feelings will be fine, and my physical person will get better. My son will thrive and grow and before we know it, Jeremy will be home.


We get ready all the time for our lives to be consistently inconsistent. We get ready to see our worlds get turned upside and downside up all the time. It’s a hard, scary, frustrating, exciting, learning, growing, insane time. I wouldn’t be any other wife in this world, but Jeremy’s wife and I am so happy that I am a military spouse and mother. Be safe my sweet Jeremy. Be safe, come home to your family, and never forget that we love you. It is our love that will keep you safe when you are gone…and when you come home, get ready to be treated like the hero you are to us.