A Week Or So Ago

I believe that in any language there are not enough words that exist to convey how a person feels. I am there. I am at a crossroads right now, and there are not enough words in Old English, the Queen’s English, American, Pig Latin, or Aramaic that could even begin to accurately describe how I feel. The wreckage that Fayetteville faced this last week was something that I have never been through. I have seen this on TV only.

That’s what fell from my ceiling in my kitchen. Yesterday, when the rain started I placed a bucket under the crack. I came back today and found this. I walked around with a rag over my mouth and nose. I can’t breathe that crap in. Who knows what it is.

It has been over a week since the storms hit. It’s amazing how time has gone by so quickly. My family has moved out of a house that I adored…eventually. I pushed Jeremy into getting this house that he was unsure of. I promised him that I could make it a home. The previous tenants left a wicked outbreak of fleas that we had to deal with and there were things that were broken. But I saw possibility. I saw older people walking around with their families and playing with their grandchildren. I was told that Ian was the youngest child in a five house radius. I met nice neighbors. We go through many things in life that most families never deal with. It seems to me that my “normal” world has been turned upside down since bringing home my sweet baby. We have been on a constant go-go-go mentality. I know your world changes with children, but I was hoping for some time to stop and see him, my Ian, and see what he’s really going through as well. I feel as if some days I’m not. I hope that he’s not missing out on anything because the adults in his life are so busy.

I also think that despite how I feel…my inadequacies as a mother right now, he will be okay.

This has been hard on all of us. Jeremy is leaving soon, I need a possible surgery, our house is gone, and now Ian isn’t feeling well. I keep wondering when is it going to stop. I don’t think it will for awhile. I think people just have to go through some stuff in their lives. A series of tests from the great beyond to see if we can hack it in this world. I think that this time is one of those tests. I know I will pass and get the A I know I am capable of earning.  Now we are house hunting. We left behind a neighborhood and people that we cared about. We look toward the future. It seems to me, that everything is going to be okay.