That could potentially be quote of the month and I owe it to my best friend Julie. She made me laugh so hard with that. Amazing how someone you’ve known for thirteen years knows exactly what to say to make you feel better. You see, I’m actually in a bad mood…a really bad mood. I mean the kind of bad mood that I should not be around people unless it’s absolutely necessary. Well, I was in that foul of a mood; I’m doing a little better now.
I can honestly write that I have been struggling with this blog entry for a week. Part of it is everything that is really pissing me off is still unfolding. The other part is that I can’t seem to organize my thoughts, so now I’m using bullet points. I think it could be the best way to get out how I am feeling and attempt to problem solve at the same time.
- Jeremy: I can’t believe I feel this way, but again I need to be honest. I miss him so much, but it’s a good thing he’s not around right now. I have been cleaning up some of his messes for the last week and unable to take care of much else. It’s been hard because this is a reoccurring problem in our marriage. I’ll provide an example. We had an automatic rent payment to our old property managers. Jeremy cancelled it after rent had been paid for May. Did he call the property manager before he left? No, and he had time. He could have emailed the company, but didn’t do that either. I know he was stressed and busy, but so am I. If a person who is deploying can remember their gear because it’s on a CHECKLIST, then they can use a CHECKLIST to take care of personal things as well. He had the time off and was done packing for his deployment. I finally got the check on Tuesday, but that’s after sending three emails and getting Jeremy’s 1st Sgt involved.
- The stress this caused: Well this just became an issue for me. I hate having the ball dropped. I also cannot stand tasks over and over again. Why not just complete a task the right way the first time? Here’s the difference between myself and Jeremy. He’ll drag out two days worth of errands into a week, and I want it done NOW! Of course I want things done now. My ultimate goal is to have that crap off my plate so I can enjoy my time with my family. I can’t relax if my mind is distracted about all the crap I need to get done. I think what made me really want to hurt the poor hubby is that he knows this. That’s what hurt my feelings and made me feel like I was being taken for granted. So our time before he left and we had some time because he took leave was full of stress and errands and it didn't need to be that way. As I was venting to my friend and making the excuse of being military for Jeremy, she said it has nothing to do with being military, it has everything to do with being a man. It was awesome…and true. That’s when Julie said, “My husband only deploys to Portsmouth every morning and he will do the same thing.” I then responded with something like, I can’t forget to do stuff…whatever the stuff is. I’m always expected to have it together. I also cracked a back joke about Portsmouth.
- The need for change: Well, I actually said to Jeremy, “something has to change because I can’t deal with this anymore. “ And I can’t. I need him just as together at home as he is work. And lately, we haven’t been partners; we've been at each other’s throats. I know it’s been hard with all of our stress. Our situation of homelessness, deployment, needing a surgery…well the list seems endless and our situation isn't ideal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Jeremy is a bad husband because he’s not. He’s so amazing, but he has his flaws like I do. He’s so laid back that nothing really bothers him so he can drag crap out for days. I’m so ADD that doing that makes me crazy and sends me over the edge. We need to learn how to compromise, but I don’t know how. I think it’s time with get outside help because we've been trying to work on this for years and we’re getting nowhere. Now, I’m so angry at him that I can’t let it go. Everytime I think about it, I get mad all over again and that’s not good. We both must give to get, and in the end we’ll be better and stronger.
- I have to change too. I can’t be the one that expects Jeremy to make all the changes. This one really piggybacks off of number three, but I needed to expand on this. I always say that you have to give to get. What haven’t I been giving him to get him to be the man I know he is? Lately we've been so off that it worries me. We are usually so good at reading each other, communicating with each other, but it’s been hard. Deployments are tough, but coupled with everything else…well you get where I’m going with this. I too need to manage my time better, and I too need to figure out how to prioritize and get the most out of my day. Jeremy and I need to do that together. I have married the best man on the planet; I really did. I know some of you feel that way about your spouse and that’s great, but they are no Jeremy Reynolds.
- A solution: I need to put on my big girl britches and be proactive. We need to get some help for time management and figure out where our communication breakdown is. If we need to get outside help, then that’s what we do. My marriage is worth every fight and battle. My life with Jeremy is everything I never knew I wanted. He truly makes me a better person, and I’m too selfish to let that go. So now we prepare to get ourselves back on track, figure out our new family dynamic with Ian, and realize that taking each other for granted is not cool. One problem down, another to go!
Seriously, another problem…I know, I can’t believe it either. This is an issue that’s been brewing for months, maybe years. My mother and I don’t get along well. Not anymore. I don’t think I am explaining this well. We do get along, just in small dosages. Now, I’m living in her home with my child and I’m losing my mind. Some days, she’s so helpful and amazing, but other days she can’t be bothered. I never know what day it is when I wake up. Ian is crazy about his Grammie and Opa. Chris, my step-dad walks into the room and Ian starts saying “Pa Pa” for Opa. He even makes a G sound for my mom. He knows who they are. If I had finished writing this a couple of days ago, it would have been an all out bashing of my mother. Today, I have let go of the anger towards her, and realized that I have to be the one that changes my behavior towards her. I need to let her know what I want and need in regards to assistance with Ian, and what I am doing each day. She likes knowing that stuff. I find it very annoying, but it provides some form of structure for her day.
I have said it before and I will say it again and again, sometimes you just have to play the game. As my friend Amanda says, “Shut up and color.” But there are times that I am absolutely amazed by my mother. When I say amazed, it’s because I’m in shock at some of the things she says and does. I could use a bunch of cliché statements to describe about how I should behave and respond, but I won’t. There’s no point. I have seen a change in my mother that last few years that I find unlikeable. I guess that’s all I can say about it.
I am waiting for a day when things start to get a little bit easier. I am waiting for what it was like in mid-April when we were just a family with a husband that was gearing up for a deployment. I’m trying to get my son and I back into some form of a routine. I am also trying not to be mad that Jeremy is gone. I know it’s his job, blah, blah…that’s not the problem. What is my problem you wonder? I miss my husband and my complete family. I miss us, being an “us” and having fun just laughing with him. I am sad that we are buying our first house and he’s not here for the closing date, and helping me tear up carpet, paint walls, and get new cabinetry for the kitchen. He’ll come home and everything will have changed; everything.
So my issue is simple, and I will be okay. I will just be sad and miss the hubby. I will be mad at him for the dumb shit he does as he will be with me, and we will figure out how to get ourselves back on track. I will accept my mother for being my mother and know she will never change. However, I will be sad and miss my husband until he is home.
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