My family isn't the same when Jeremy is gone. I try to stay chipper and upbeat, but inside I am lonely and sad. I laugh, I cry, I smile, and I'm polite. I stay active and even have good times when he's gone. Just deep inside my heart, I am truly sad and lonely for my best friend, my husband. Thirty days is nothing compared to what we have already been through. We will go through another deployment because we are, after all, stationed at Ft. Bragg.
I don't know if families are meant to be separated for long periods of time now. We aren't living in a world where our men and women go to war for years, win, come home, and then the stay put. We are living in a global economy, the internet has brought us close to people all over the world, and maintaining friendships is so easy now. We can Skype with our loved ones in war zones now. But I will go back to the beginning of this. Families just shouldn't be separated for so long. Multiple deployments are hard on everyone, and this is a rant about how bad the wars are and how we need to leave. This is me opening my heart to anyone that will read, and letting you know that I am sad, lonely, and miss my husband. I just think that now, in today's world that we need all the help we can get in raising our children, keeping our families close, and making sure our marriages are strong. We need to have each other around...it's just that simple.
When you are a military spouse you don't have the luxury to fall apart. You have a job, school, and kids; something that makes you need to go on. You have to get up every day, and move forward. You eat breakfast, workout, shower, get dressed, go to where ever you need to be that day. You laugh and smile, but mostly you have to keep a light on in your heart. Because it is that light that will guide our loved ones home to us. We are their lighthouse on a rocky shore in a distant land. We keep our loved ones safe; always and every day. The strength that the military spouse possesses is none like anyone has ever seen. We are hope, faith, kindness, understanding, but above all, we are love wrapped into one person.
No, thirty days is nothing compared to what we will go through later. I know that, but it's what these thirty days represents. They are part of a bigger picture. They are part of a bigger plan. I will keep myself busy and I will stay strong. I will remind myself that this is what we signed up for, and I will grin slyly with that reminder. I will remember that we are not alone. I will beam with happiness when I think about how much I love my airman. I will gather my strength from sources all over the world and I will keep that light on in my heart. It will burn strong for Jeremy until he comes home. We are not the same without my sweet husband and we love you and are proud of you.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Those First Few Weeks
They are hard aren't they? You know, the first few weeks when you bring your baby home. I woke up today and as I was taking my shower and having my morning conversations with myself...you know...the one you have that releases pent up feelings and then give yourself the daily pep talk. You say everything you've ever wanted to say to a person if they were standing there. You know you can't say any of the horrid words coming out of your mouth because, you would never speak to that person again. That person changes daily, sometimes it's a parent, or your spouse, or your friends, or a co-worker. Well you get the point. I have a conversation everyday where I release the pent up frustration and then let it go. Today was different. Today I had to write it down.
My son Ian was born in August. He came three weeks early. I was terrified, but kept up a strong front. My son and husband needed me. My blood pressure shot up overnight and I was pre-eclamptic out of nowhere. It wasn't suprising since I was retaining 45 pounds of fluids. I guess I was hoping it wouldn't happen. After laboring for a day and not dialating past one centimeter, I decided to explore additional birthing options. I wanted a c-section. I didn't really, but my blood pressure and body couldn't take much more. The medicine they had me on to keep my BP down was making me feel worse than contractions. I was a wreck with worry for my baby and my husband was a wreck with worry for me.
At first I thought that I was less of a woman for not sticking it out, but I got over that. I was able to get some sleep, my blood pressure came down a little, and then I was taken away to an OR so I could have my baby. I was delerious with excitement. I would finally meet my little Ian. He wasn't ready to be out, but my body had other ideas. I cracked jokes during the surgery and cried when I heard him, I hugged my doctor and told him to move with us to NC because I know ladies and I would hook him up with them. I compared my son to MacDuff from Shakespeare's MacBeth. MacDuff was the only person that could kill MacBeth because he was born by a cesaerean. It's what the witches said and what Shakespeare wrote. I was on a lot of drugs at that moment. After he was cleaned up and warm, our Ian stopped crying and fell asleep. My life and Jeremy's would never be the same.
I wanted to see him so badly, but not yet. Ian was cold because he was so tiny. Coming in at only five pounds and ten ounces will do that.
The incision hurt, I was so gassy for some reason, and my blood pressure was not getting better. I was sent home with the baby and bag full of medicine. The BP meds made me so exhausted that I slept through Ian's crying. I had to be forced awake so I could feed him or pump. I was starting to expel the fluids so rapidly and my body was changing on me again that I could hardly keep up. All I know is that I wanted to hold my child at every moment of the day. I still do, but I have finally learned that it's okay to put him down...he'll be fine.
My mom and step-dad were visiting too. I guess we needed the help with the new baby. It's as this point when the fun begins. And I mean fun in the most sarcastic of tones. I honestly felt that if we didn't do things my mom's way, then Jeremy and I were bad parents and harming our baby. I felt that there had to be a schedule and control over a situation that to me was uncontrollable and a schedule didn't apply. Ian ate, slept, went to the bathroom, and needed to be held. Not much else you can do. Her "suggestions" were fine, but not what we wanted to do. If either one of us tried to say something, then we were ungratful and didn't want her help. Well that's how I perceived the situation. It was miserable and I was miserable, well let's be honest, we were all miserable. I felt so bad for my child too. He was living in a world of stress and bickering and I know he could feel my tension. I knew I was letting him down and I had to do something, but I was too tired to fight back and I just couldn't let it get any worse. Until one night...I finally lost it. I was so mad that I was barely able to contain my rage at her. When my mom left a few days later, I went to see my counselor. I knew I was suffering from Post-Partum Depression and was resentful. I wasn't just resentful at her, but at the entire situation. Her behavior was self-centered and childish. I know mine wasn't better, but it was my time in my opinion. It was time for me to get to know my son. And I was getting ready to give up something so I could feel better.
The point of all of this goes back to the beginning. I was in the shower today having my morning venting conversation, then my pep talk and I realized that I'm still mad at her. It was awful at home. I became so depressed. The stress made me sick and my blood pressure was high again and it was at that moment that I realized I had to go on medicine that worked. I had to give up breast feeding. It was in that moment a loss in my life, and it took me months to recover from it. There are still days where it gets to me that I had to give up breast feeding. Why did it bother me so much? I guess it's because part of the reason I had to get back on blood pressure medication was becasue of the tension in my home. But there was the logical part of me that knew I had to do right by my child. If wasn't healthy, then I wouldn't be able to care for him properly. That's how I convinced myself at first. A couple of months later, I finally realized that I need to be healthy to care for him...no matter what.
For two months I was in therapy to get the help that I needed and to make sure that I would survive the move. Oh yeah, we moved halfway across country as well. We were going to stay with my mom for a few weeks and I knew it would be difficult again. I was still angry and resentful and couldn't say anything without blowing up. We hit a few speedbumps and it helped having Jeremy with me, and it helped getting the therapy that I needed. I still had days where Ian would be beyond fussy and I knew it was tension. As soon as we moved into our home, Ian was back to himself again. Even now, I am still surprised at things that my mom does. However, I realized something on this journey and it's this: I must be the one to change my behavior. Don't overreact when she says things that get to me and just say thank you for the suggestions and know that I'm going to do what I want.
I am a grown woman that is raising my child my way and my husband's way. We are loving every moment of our time with Ian.
My son Ian was born in August. He came three weeks early. I was terrified, but kept up a strong front. My son and husband needed me. My blood pressure shot up overnight and I was pre-eclamptic out of nowhere. It wasn't suprising since I was retaining 45 pounds of fluids. I guess I was hoping it wouldn't happen. After laboring for a day and not dialating past one centimeter, I decided to explore additional birthing options. I wanted a c-section. I didn't really, but my blood pressure and body couldn't take much more. The medicine they had me on to keep my BP down was making me feel worse than contractions. I was a wreck with worry for my baby and my husband was a wreck with worry for me.
At first I thought that I was less of a woman for not sticking it out, but I got over that. I was able to get some sleep, my blood pressure came down a little, and then I was taken away to an OR so I could have my baby. I was delerious with excitement. I would finally meet my little Ian. He wasn't ready to be out, but my body had other ideas. I cracked jokes during the surgery and cried when I heard him, I hugged my doctor and told him to move with us to NC because I know ladies and I would hook him up with them. I compared my son to MacDuff from Shakespeare's MacBeth. MacDuff was the only person that could kill MacBeth because he was born by a cesaerean. It's what the witches said and what Shakespeare wrote. I was on a lot of drugs at that moment. After he was cleaned up and warm, our Ian stopped crying and fell asleep. My life and Jeremy's would never be the same.
I wanted to see him so badly, but not yet. Ian was cold because he was so tiny. Coming in at only five pounds and ten ounces will do that.
When I finally got to hold him I couldn't stop crying. Even now as I type this out, I'm crying thinking about that moment when I first held my first child. It was without any hesitation the most powerful moment of my life. I can barely describe that emotions that crashed over me like tidal waves. Wave after wave kept crashing down upon me, and tears kept flowing from my eyes. He was so small and precious at that moment. I was forever changed and was ready for that change. I don't know what people mean when they say that no one is ready for parenthood. I was and still am. The incision hurt, I was so gassy for some reason, and my blood pressure was not getting better. I was sent home with the baby and bag full of medicine. The BP meds made me so exhausted that I slept through Ian's crying. I had to be forced awake so I could feed him or pump. I was starting to expel the fluids so rapidly and my body was changing on me again that I could hardly keep up. All I know is that I wanted to hold my child at every moment of the day. I still do, but I have finally learned that it's okay to put him down...he'll be fine.
My mom and step-dad were visiting too. I guess we needed the help with the new baby. It's as this point when the fun begins. And I mean fun in the most sarcastic of tones. I honestly felt that if we didn't do things my mom's way, then Jeremy and I were bad parents and harming our baby. I felt that there had to be a schedule and control over a situation that to me was uncontrollable and a schedule didn't apply. Ian ate, slept, went to the bathroom, and needed to be held. Not much else you can do. Her "suggestions" were fine, but not what we wanted to do. If either one of us tried to say something, then we were ungratful and didn't want her help. Well that's how I perceived the situation. It was miserable and I was miserable, well let's be honest, we were all miserable. I felt so bad for my child too. He was living in a world of stress and bickering and I know he could feel my tension. I knew I was letting him down and I had to do something, but I was too tired to fight back and I just couldn't let it get any worse. Until one night...I finally lost it. I was so mad that I was barely able to contain my rage at her. When my mom left a few days later, I went to see my counselor. I knew I was suffering from Post-Partum Depression and was resentful. I wasn't just resentful at her, but at the entire situation. Her behavior was self-centered and childish. I know mine wasn't better, but it was my time in my opinion. It was time for me to get to know my son. And I was getting ready to give up something so I could feel better.
The point of all of this goes back to the beginning. I was in the shower today having my morning venting conversation, then my pep talk and I realized that I'm still mad at her. It was awful at home. I became so depressed. The stress made me sick and my blood pressure was high again and it was at that moment that I realized I had to go on medicine that worked. I had to give up breast feeding. It was in that moment a loss in my life, and it took me months to recover from it. There are still days where it gets to me that I had to give up breast feeding. Why did it bother me so much? I guess it's because part of the reason I had to get back on blood pressure medication was becasue of the tension in my home. But there was the logical part of me that knew I had to do right by my child. If wasn't healthy, then I wouldn't be able to care for him properly. That's how I convinced myself at first. A couple of months later, I finally realized that I need to be healthy to care for him...no matter what.
For two months I was in therapy to get the help that I needed and to make sure that I would survive the move. Oh yeah, we moved halfway across country as well. We were going to stay with my mom for a few weeks and I knew it would be difficult again. I was still angry and resentful and couldn't say anything without blowing up. We hit a few speedbumps and it helped having Jeremy with me, and it helped getting the therapy that I needed. I still had days where Ian would be beyond fussy and I knew it was tension. As soon as we moved into our home, Ian was back to himself again. Even now, I am still surprised at things that my mom does. However, I realized something on this journey and it's this: I must be the one to change my behavior. Don't overreact when she says things that get to me and just say thank you for the suggestions and know that I'm going to do what I want.
I am a grown woman that is raising my child my way and my husband's way. We are loving every moment of our time with Ian.
My Ian, My Heart
Friday, January 14, 2011
You Sure Are Tough...
Behind that desk, sitting on your bed, drinking coffee in your coffee shop, and typing away on your computer. You sure are tough, spewing forth your hate speech, and slamming our president, and calling his wife a fat ass. You sure are tough, doing nothing but making the hate worse and still typing away. You sure are tough...and I'm no better sitting here, drinking my coffee, and typing away.
All I do know is that I'm angry. I'm an angry mom, that's disappointed in my country, and not due to it's leadership. I'm disappointed in its citizens. We are so full of hate, and we listen to people that don't understand us, we blame everyone but ourselves, and we take no responsibility. To add insult to injury; the thing that bothers me the most is how ignorant we are. Americans seem to be missing the big point of the conversation. They hear only how things affect them, and think of nothing but themselves. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not out there, in people's faces, and letting them know how angry I am. I don't know if I would make it through a day without punching people.
Examples of the ignorance, stupidity, and hatred: "He always good at speeches and reading from a teleprompter.. But his words are hollow and hypocritical, he is just campaigning for re-election.. if he means these hollow words his action of last 2 years of listening don’t show it..he has ignore the public and has said lots of redrick himself. Like when referred to the republicans and the enemy and terrorist and more gaffs".
This is a quote from a friend's FB link that she posted about the president's speech in AZ the other day. First, I believe he misspelled rhetoric. I don't know what redrick is. I will have to look that up...give me a few mins. Yup, not what he was meaning. Apparently this guys hosts a blog radio show in Omaha. Not good. But it's what he wrote that just pisses me off even more. The telepromoter...seriously...like every president should remember and memorize every single speech they've ever read or will recite. Shut up you ignorant, hate spewing, misspelling and misusing words, ugly American. I had to endure eight years of GW Bush, or Bush 43 as I call him. Never did I say such horrid things about him because he was our president. And that is a position you respect. He was voted to be there by the public. My side lost and that's called reality and that's what happens in life. We have winners and we have losers. I surprised myself by not saying anything. I mean, I just wanted to go off on this guy. What's the point? I won't change his mind, and he will always not know how to use the English language, and be full of hate. Me, I'm funny and recognize that I'm calling him out on his lack good grammar. Seriously, when you get ready to argue in the written language, get it right...or do I mean write. LOL!!!
Here's another quote from a friend of a friend of mine on FB. She asked the question if Bush or Obama showed up at your house on a cold, blustery day would you let them in? Why or why not? Everyone said they have manners and were raised better so they would let them both in. Some even said, I would give Obama a piece of my mind (no you wouldn't)...blah...blah. But this guy took the cake: " Bush...not a fan, but he is at least likeable and he was always visiting the soldiers! The obamination.....what do you think? I think I would charge him. Since he has taken so many of our dollars for all the follies, like his constant campaigning across the country, numerous luxury vacations and high-dollar dates, he can pay me to get warm in my home. I think the rate was $4,000.00 a night in Hawaii? California is close enough and therefore he can pay the same rate".
Well, here's the answers about the Bush visits:
Bush Jr.'s first trip to Afghanistan was 3/01/06 the first president to visit there since Dwight Eisenhower in 1959. His second trip to Afghanistan was 8/05/07 according to the Washington Post. Mrs. Laura Bush visited there 6/8/08. Bush has made three trips to Iraq since 2003. We've been at war in Afghanistan since 2001. Now, I researched visits to military bases during his terms in office and all the headlines were about the Ft. Hood shootings, when he was no longer president. I had to do more research...he did visit military bases in 2007, 2006, and so on. It appears to me that once a year, maybe less, he would visit his troops. Now remember, Bush 43 was president for two terms and that's all he did. Please, do a little research...that's all we ask. President Obama has had almost as many visits and he's only been in office for a little over two years.
Here's my other favorite quote from the same guy: "How about Lady Obamination in a tutu with that big fat ass of hers....and she tries to tell US how to feed our kids! (Did you see her in the "moment of silence"? Her coat was straining at the buttons and when she turned around to go back inside it was pulling across her huge butt."
Nice...now, that's really classy. You claim to have been raised with manners. I'm sure you were, but you don't appear to be exercising those manners. That's pretty freaking sad. Do you know that our First Lady has done more for military spouses in two years than Laura Bush ever did. She's been to Ft. Bragg numerous times, gone to Ramstein AFB to serve Thanksgiving dinner, and her support of military spouses has been unwavering.
Where am I going with this? My point is this...we sure are tough online, on Facebook, and in our blogs, and writing comments on news articles. I would venture a guess and say that 99% of Americans would never say this stuff to anyones face. So, stop putting the hate speech out there. I almost think that writing it is worse. And if either Bush 43 or President Obama showed up at your house, you wouldn't go off on either of them. You would wonder why they were out in the cold, why they are at your house, and do you need to feed him and his secret service? Maybe later, once you've gotten over the shock of a president sitting in your living room sipping coffee you could muster up the nerve to have a "big" talk. Something tells me you won't. We all would be pleasant, and ask questions in a tactful manner. Why? Because it's the president.
I think that the online forum is wonderful and it's great how we all talk so big here, but that's all we're doing. No one would say half this crap in person and those that do, we know who they are, are now getting heat for inciting hate speech. That's happening on both sides too.
We, as Americans are tough. We are a tough nation that will not go down without a fight. Too bad we're fighting so much with ourselves that we have become our own worst enemies. I am an Air Force wife that's trying to get by and I promise now, that I won't write it if I won't say it. If this is the place where I pour my heart out, then let my heart be open to the world. A friend of a friend last night showed me that we have hope for a rational discussion about guns, hate speech, and everything else that's going on. Thank you Justin Curley for showing me that sense exists again!
"And I don't see any reason why rational change would have to change the traditions I grew up in. It doesn't have to. It is possible. People need to stop reacting viscerally to change. It is past due time". Justin Curley.
All I do know is that I'm angry. I'm an angry mom, that's disappointed in my country, and not due to it's leadership. I'm disappointed in its citizens. We are so full of hate, and we listen to people that don't understand us, we blame everyone but ourselves, and we take no responsibility. To add insult to injury; the thing that bothers me the most is how ignorant we are. Americans seem to be missing the big point of the conversation. They hear only how things affect them, and think of nothing but themselves. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not out there, in people's faces, and letting them know how angry I am. I don't know if I would make it through a day without punching people.
Examples of the ignorance, stupidity, and hatred: "He always good at speeches and reading from a teleprompter.. But his words are hollow and hypocritical, he is just campaigning for re-election.. if he means these hollow words his action of last 2 years of listening don’t show it..he has ignore the public and has said lots of redrick himself. Like when referred to the republicans and the enemy and terrorist and more gaffs".
This is a quote from a friend's FB link that she posted about the president's speech in AZ the other day. First, I believe he misspelled rhetoric. I don't know what redrick is. I will have to look that up...give me a few mins. Yup, not what he was meaning. Apparently this guys hosts a blog radio show in Omaha. Not good. But it's what he wrote that just pisses me off even more. The telepromoter...seriously...like every president should remember and memorize every single speech they've ever read or will recite. Shut up you ignorant, hate spewing, misspelling and misusing words, ugly American. I had to endure eight years of GW Bush, or Bush 43 as I call him. Never did I say such horrid things about him because he was our president. And that is a position you respect. He was voted to be there by the public. My side lost and that's called reality and that's what happens in life. We have winners and we have losers. I surprised myself by not saying anything. I mean, I just wanted to go off on this guy. What's the point? I won't change his mind, and he will always not know how to use the English language, and be full of hate. Me, I'm funny and recognize that I'm calling him out on his lack good grammar. Seriously, when you get ready to argue in the written language, get it right...or do I mean write. LOL!!!
Here's another quote from a friend of a friend of mine on FB. She asked the question if Bush or Obama showed up at your house on a cold, blustery day would you let them in? Why or why not? Everyone said they have manners and were raised better so they would let them both in. Some even said, I would give Obama a piece of my mind (no you wouldn't)...blah...blah. But this guy took the cake: " Bush...not a fan, but he is at least likeable and he was always visiting the soldiers! The obamination.....what do you think? I think I would charge him. Since he has taken so many of our dollars for all the follies, like his constant campaigning across the country, numerous luxury vacations and high-dollar dates, he can pay me to get warm in my home. I think the rate was $4,000.00 a night in Hawaii? California is close enough and therefore he can pay the same rate".
Well, here's the answers about the Bush visits:
Bush Jr.'s first trip to Afghanistan was 3/01/06 the first president to visit there since Dwight Eisenhower in 1959. His second trip to Afghanistan was 8/05/07 according to the Washington Post. Mrs. Laura Bush visited there 6/8/08. Bush has made three trips to Iraq since 2003. We've been at war in Afghanistan since 2001. Now, I researched visits to military bases during his terms in office and all the headlines were about the Ft. Hood shootings, when he was no longer president. I had to do more research...he did visit military bases in 2007, 2006, and so on. It appears to me that once a year, maybe less, he would visit his troops. Now remember, Bush 43 was president for two terms and that's all he did. Please, do a little research...that's all we ask. President Obama has had almost as many visits and he's only been in office for a little over two years.
Here's my other favorite quote from the same guy: "How about Lady Obamination in a tutu with that big fat ass of hers....and she tries to tell US how to feed our kids! (Did you see her in the "moment of silence"? Her coat was straining at the buttons and when she turned around to go back inside it was pulling across her huge butt."
Nice...now, that's really classy. You claim to have been raised with manners. I'm sure you were, but you don't appear to be exercising those manners. That's pretty freaking sad. Do you know that our First Lady has done more for military spouses in two years than Laura Bush ever did. She's been to Ft. Bragg numerous times, gone to Ramstein AFB to serve Thanksgiving dinner, and her support of military spouses has been unwavering.
Where am I going with this? My point is this...we sure are tough online, on Facebook, and in our blogs, and writing comments on news articles. I would venture a guess and say that 99% of Americans would never say this stuff to anyones face. So, stop putting the hate speech out there. I almost think that writing it is worse. And if either Bush 43 or President Obama showed up at your house, you wouldn't go off on either of them. You would wonder why they were out in the cold, why they are at your house, and do you need to feed him and his secret service? Maybe later, once you've gotten over the shock of a president sitting in your living room sipping coffee you could muster up the nerve to have a "big" talk. Something tells me you won't. We all would be pleasant, and ask questions in a tactful manner. Why? Because it's the president.
I think that the online forum is wonderful and it's great how we all talk so big here, but that's all we're doing. No one would say half this crap in person and those that do, we know who they are, are now getting heat for inciting hate speech. That's happening on both sides too.
We, as Americans are tough. We are a tough nation that will not go down without a fight. Too bad we're fighting so much with ourselves that we have become our own worst enemies. I am an Air Force wife that's trying to get by and I promise now, that I won't write it if I won't say it. If this is the place where I pour my heart out, then let my heart be open to the world. A friend of a friend last night showed me that we have hope for a rational discussion about guns, hate speech, and everything else that's going on. Thank you Justin Curley for showing me that sense exists again!
"And I don't see any reason why rational change would have to change the traditions I grew up in. It doesn't have to. It is possible. People need to stop reacting viscerally to change. It is past due time". Justin Curley.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Just Without the Colostomy Bag!
So the other day I was having a conversation with my friend Julie. She's a mom of two boys. Her oldest is now 5. She's been through the newborn, new mom phase (obviously), so it's nice having someone to talk to about everything. I think what I enjoy the most about our conversations is that she doesn't judge me. It's hard to be a new parent because we judge ourselves so harshly as well as we feel as if others are doing the same thing. And maybe people are judging us...who knows. All I know is that it's nice to have a handful of people to really talk to and have it feel like you're in a safe haven and not out on the proverbial limb all alone. If I have any advice to new moms it's this: find those friends, talk to them often, don't get everything that Babies R Us and people tell you to get, and listen to your instincts. We'll discuss that advice later, I promise!
In this conversation I was telling Julie how strong I feel. I feel like nothing could stop me when it comes time to protecting my child or doing anything for him. I feel as if I could lift a 40 story building and throw it aside as if they were a feather. It's amazing how when this tiny little baby is placed in your arms, you're crying your eyes out, a strange feeling comes over you that you've never experienced before. I call it the Mommy Shield. I wanted to protect him and hold him close to me every moment of the day. He was so tiny and his life was, at that moment, so precious to me. It still is, but in 5 months, I've learned that it's okay to put him down for a little while. Everything else though...it's still the same to me. I struggled to get really connected to him again like when I was pregnant, but once we had our thing, nothing could stop my boy and me.
So, to summarize or get back to the point, I feel tough. I feel as if anything could happen to me and I would survive. I know I would jump in front of a bus, run into a burning building, take a bullet for my child. I would do this to make sure he was okay. My words to Julie were something like this, "I'm like Tupac man, just without the colostomy bag! You know he was shot a whole bunch of times and survived. Well, not those last 5 times he was shot, but the other times." She knew what I meant.
p.s. (I, of course had to listen to the song Dear Mama. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNcloTmvTeA)
In this conversation I was telling Julie how strong I feel. I feel like nothing could stop me when it comes time to protecting my child or doing anything for him. I feel as if I could lift a 40 story building and throw it aside as if they were a feather. It's amazing how when this tiny little baby is placed in your arms, you're crying your eyes out, a strange feeling comes over you that you've never experienced before. I call it the Mommy Shield. I wanted to protect him and hold him close to me every moment of the day. He was so tiny and his life was, at that moment, so precious to me. It still is, but in 5 months, I've learned that it's okay to put him down for a little while. Everything else though...it's still the same to me. I struggled to get really connected to him again like when I was pregnant, but once we had our thing, nothing could stop my boy and me.
So, to summarize or get back to the point, I feel tough. I feel as if anything could happen to me and I would survive. I know I would jump in front of a bus, run into a burning building, take a bullet for my child. I would do this to make sure he was okay. My words to Julie were something like this, "I'm like Tupac man, just without the colostomy bag! You know he was shot a whole bunch of times and survived. Well, not those last 5 times he was shot, but the other times." She knew what I meant.
p.s. (I, of course had to listen to the song Dear Mama. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNcloTmvTeA)
Friday, January 7, 2011
Some Dad Advice From An Unusual Source
So I have this friend, his name is Erich, and he's a little weird. But that's okay because we're all a little weird; however, at times I would say Erich is a little more weird than others. Hmmm...I never really thought about that until right now.
You need some back story people: My son's baptism is coming up. I'm very excited. I view godparents a group of people to help my child on his path of faith, love, and spirituality...whatever those may be for him. So, little Ian has a lot of godparents. Now, only a couple with be "recognized" by the church. I don't really feel as if this is a big deal because all of the people will be a part of Ian's life, no matter what. So, Erich and his wife Mary (I totally hooked them up) are coming to the baptism. My step mom was saying family only at first and then when she told me she invited a few of her friends, I did the same thing. I couldn't invite everyone though. Through a series of silly messages on FB, Erich wanted to know if Ian has teeth. He's teething, but no teeth. I told him that I would help tell him all about babies and this was his response:
"1) They cry: put food or liquid in face and bounce close to body, but not so much that they puke. Babies love bouncing." How true. They really do love to be bounced and I don't really know why, but it makes them happy. Good call Erich!
"2) They Puke or leak: Always, always have a towel or poncho between you and the baby, they will in someway share with you something that was in them whether it be puke, pee, poop, food, or drool. It will happen &; often, be ready..." Again, how true. Just today while burping Ian, he spit up burped. That's what I call them. I, of course, forgot a cloth for him. I had to change my pants.
"3) They Sleep: Randomly or when well feed (will leak)." I think he's referring to the fact that they pee while sleeping and don't know to hold it yet. Again, how true he is!
"4) They require visual stimulation while awake, if not being bounced (see 1). They are awake randomly." They do require some for of visual stimulation when awake, we have those toys. The toys are to help with the changing and developing eye sight, coordination, and to entertain. They are awake at odd times. Just when you get them sleeping through the night, they start to teeth.
"5) Women become dumb around babies, I don't know why?" This might be my favorite one. We do get stupid over babies.
"6) I need no more training, thank you..." His conclusion. Well, you pretty much got it Erich. You don't need any training about babies. Good call. Then he followed up with the most important tidbit of advice and information...
"Oh Shit!... I forgot the most important thing I learned about babies...and it's pretty damn important...
They are lemmings, be careful, illicit support when ever possible... Don't let them die."
Erich, how right you are...it's really important actually. We do need to be careful, get support, and not let anything happen to them. That's really good advice. Thank you...you know a lot more than you give yourself credit.
Never forget that the little person in your arms needs you all the time, and though the words were not written in that way, I think my friend was saying that. Children need us because they will jump off that cliff. They don't know better, we have to teach them. Start being a good parent and know that the little life in your arms, thinks you're the greatest person ever. You are their hero.
You need some back story people: My son's baptism is coming up. I'm very excited. I view godparents a group of people to help my child on his path of faith, love, and spirituality...whatever those may be for him. So, little Ian has a lot of godparents. Now, only a couple with be "recognized" by the church. I don't really feel as if this is a big deal because all of the people will be a part of Ian's life, no matter what. So, Erich and his wife Mary (I totally hooked them up) are coming to the baptism. My step mom was saying family only at first and then when she told me she invited a few of her friends, I did the same thing. I couldn't invite everyone though. Through a series of silly messages on FB, Erich wanted to know if Ian has teeth. He's teething, but no teeth. I told him that I would help tell him all about babies and this was his response:
"1) They cry: put food or liquid in face and bounce close to body, but not so much that they puke. Babies love bouncing." How true. They really do love to be bounced and I don't really know why, but it makes them happy. Good call Erich!
"2) They Puke or leak: Always, always have a towel or poncho between you and the baby, they will in someway share with you something that was in them whether it be puke, pee, poop, food, or drool. It will happen &; often, be ready..." Again, how true. Just today while burping Ian, he spit up burped. That's what I call them. I, of course, forgot a cloth for him. I had to change my pants.
"3) They Sleep: Randomly or when well feed (will leak)." I think he's referring to the fact that they pee while sleeping and don't know to hold it yet. Again, how true he is!
"4) They require visual stimulation while awake, if not being bounced (see 1). They are awake randomly." They do require some for of visual stimulation when awake, we have those toys. The toys are to help with the changing and developing eye sight, coordination, and to entertain. They are awake at odd times. Just when you get them sleeping through the night, they start to teeth.
"5) Women become dumb around babies, I don't know why?" This might be my favorite one. We do get stupid over babies.
"6) I need no more training, thank you..." His conclusion. Well, you pretty much got it Erich. You don't need any training about babies. Good call. Then he followed up with the most important tidbit of advice and information...
"Oh Shit!... I forgot the most important thing I learned about babies...and it's pretty damn important...
They are lemmings, be careful, illicit support when ever possible... Don't let them die."
Erich, how right you are...it's really important actually. We do need to be careful, get support, and not let anything happen to them. That's really good advice. Thank you...you know a lot more than you give yourself credit.
Never forget that the little person in your arms needs you all the time, and though the words were not written in that way, I think my friend was saying that. Children need us because they will jump off that cliff. They don't know better, we have to teach them. Start being a good parent and know that the little life in your arms, thinks you're the greatest person ever. You are their hero.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A Long December
"The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls."
This line always makes me a little forlorn. I think for some people this line holds a little bit more meaning. I know some of you saw dark days in 2010, and the days seemed so dark as if you would never see the light. The light that keeps your going because you seem to have no other choice. Your heart seems to break every single day and you feel as if you can hardly keep yourself afloat. I have been there. I remember those days, those days that I felt as if I were drowning. I could hardly keep my eyes open, and my heart was broken every single day.
I look back on that year and wonder how I got out of bed and functioned. I wonder if I just went through the motions of living. I barely knew myself and all I could do was pour my heart out into words.
I can promise you this: your days will get better, your life will turn around, you will just function some days and on other days you will really laugh and you will thrive. You will smile to yourself because you know that you have made through the hard times and though hard times will return; it's okay.
This last year, was one of the best I've ever had and I am nervous about 2011. My Jeremy will leave his family to places unknown again, and I will be a single parent. However, I will be okay and though my days will be dark at times, I will function and even start to laugh and smile again.
Here's a little song for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D5PtyrewSs
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls."
This line always makes me a little forlorn. I think for some people this line holds a little bit more meaning. I know some of you saw dark days in 2010, and the days seemed so dark as if you would never see the light. The light that keeps your going because you seem to have no other choice. Your heart seems to break every single day and you feel as if you can hardly keep yourself afloat. I have been there. I remember those days, those days that I felt as if I were drowning. I could hardly keep my eyes open, and my heart was broken every single day.
I look back on that year and wonder how I got out of bed and functioned. I wonder if I just went through the motions of living. I barely knew myself and all I could do was pour my heart out into words.
I can promise you this: your days will get better, your life will turn around, you will just function some days and on other days you will really laugh and you will thrive. You will smile to yourself because you know that you have made through the hard times and though hard times will return; it's okay.
This last year, was one of the best I've ever had and I am nervous about 2011. My Jeremy will leave his family to places unknown again, and I will be a single parent. However, I will be okay and though my days will be dark at times, I will function and even start to laugh and smile again.
Here's a little song for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D5PtyrewSs
Sorry...I'll Give You Something To Be Sorry About!
Have you ever noticed how much new parents apologize? Really pay attention if you haven't before. We apologize for everything. If someone comments on why our child isn't wearing socks when it's a little, and I mean a very little bit chilly out, we apologize. We say sorry when they cry, when they poop, if they're grumpy, if they're too loud when babbling, the list is endless.
Well, I'm tired of apologizing. So I won't anymore!
For all of you out there with or without children, I need for you to remember one thing and that thing is this: my son can only communicate his needs to me by crying. If you don't like it, then leave my presence and his. I'm not going to lie; your negativity will not be missed. It's taken me a couple of months to realize that I will not apologize for my child's tears when communicating his needs. If he's just throwing a fit, then that's a different story. But as I said to a friend, if I apologize for his only form of communication, then it's almost as if I'm ashamed or embarrassed by him and he behavior. That's not right...not at all.
For all of your new parents, and even old parents out there that think that you have to wait until the baby isn't so fussy before you go out, or say sorry when they spit up because they have reflux, or worry that the baby might cry when you go out to dinner, please just stop. We have all been there and will continue to be there. They are small little people that are not confined by the rules of a polite society. And when you look under the cover of that polite society, you will see that we are really not all that polite.
Well, I'm tired of apologizing. So I won't anymore!
For all of you out there with or without children, I need for you to remember one thing and that thing is this: my son can only communicate his needs to me by crying. If you don't like it, then leave my presence and his. I'm not going to lie; your negativity will not be missed. It's taken me a couple of months to realize that I will not apologize for my child's tears when communicating his needs. If he's just throwing a fit, then that's a different story. But as I said to a friend, if I apologize for his only form of communication, then it's almost as if I'm ashamed or embarrassed by him and he behavior. That's not right...not at all.
For all of your new parents, and even old parents out there that think that you have to wait until the baby isn't so fussy before you go out, or say sorry when they spit up because they have reflux, or worry that the baby might cry when you go out to dinner, please just stop. We have all been there and will continue to be there. They are small little people that are not confined by the rules of a polite society. And when you look under the cover of that polite society, you will see that we are really not all that polite.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)