We like to have dinner together. Most couples do. We would cook together, laugh, catch up on our day, discuss the world, and in my heart I would know that it was these moments that made my marriage great. My marriage is still great, but marriage is strangely separated right now. As we brought Ian more and more into our lives we realized that he needs to see us doing these things together. Ian needs to see his parents being in love and having a good time together. Now Ian is eating solids. Some food he can feed himself, and some food he can't. So every night, we sit at a table, with Ian between us, laughing, eating, and sharing our love. He grins and laughs almost the entire time.
Last night, as I was getting ready to feed Ian and sit down to eat, Ian started asking for Dada. He looked over to Jeremy’s chair and asked for Dada. I knew what had to be done. Flat Jeremy sat in his chair and Ian was delighted again with the completion of our family.
This won’t be a long entry, but it will be one that means something to me. It’s the little things, the smallest, tiniest things in life that make a difference. If putting up a flat cut out of my husband makes both me and my son happy, then so be it. The Flat Jeremy will come out and we will be happy to see it. It’s good to have him around, even if it’s not the real him. It’s just good to have him around. Thank you Ian for asking for your Daddy last night; I won’t forget to include Daddy again.
I am struggling to find the words to write out my day. It seemed like a typical day in deployed family land, which means that the day started out great, but ended up with all hell breaking loose. I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I guess I’m just used to having my real husband around, not a giant foam board sticker version.
Ian’s well baby check up went well. He played with his daddy again and it made me smile. He actually got super mad at me when I moved FDJ out of the playpen. He talked to Jeremy, smiled and laughed at him. I had to take pictures of course. I know that he misses Jeremy, and I know that Ian can feel my stress and my desire to just have Jeremy around. Somehow though, he’s making this a little easier. Now if my nine month old could get our house taken care of and fix my hernia, then I would be more impressed than I already am with him.
We all went up to the base for Ian’s well baby check up and he’s doing just fine. When I walked into the clinic with my son and Flat Husband, I could see the looks that people were giving me. An older woman asked what I was doing, and when I explained it to her, she got quiet and smiled at Ian. He was sitting in his stroller with his FDJ and an ear to ear grin. I had a couple of people call me creative and a warrant officer said he was going to tell his family about the Flat Daddies. I think the best part of the appointment was the fact that the doctor didn’t think that it was weird and she even commented on how much Ian looks like Jeremy and me.
Somehow throughout this time, Ian became very over stimulated, and he wouldn’t nap. I spent hours trying to convince my child that he needed to nap. I seriously was at my wit’s end with this today, and then the house inspection came in. There are a couple of things that must be fixed for the VA loan to go through. Here’s the thing, it’s not like I didn’t expect this since we’ve decided on an older home. I just wished that I could talk to Jeremy about it. This is something that I want to talk about with my husband. I have to admit that I looked at the flat version of him and asked him what he would want us to do. Somehow, through all my stress and frustration, I could hear Jeremy’s voice. It was so clear to me. I took a deep breath and realized that if these couple of things aren’t fixed to meet the loan requirements then we won’t get the house. It’s really simple.
Tomorrow I’ll find out what to do next. Tomorrow will be better and Ian will get his naps (cross my fingers), and I will have to limit his FDJ time. I think it revs him up too much and that’s not fair to any of us. Yesterday seemed so easy because it was such a novelty day. Today, it was time to take care of business and that’s why it was more difficult. I miss him. I miss him so much.
Our First Day
Today I got up, fed my son, put him back to bed to sleep, and started thinking about my long day. I showered, got ready, had coffee…did the normal morning stuff that people do. I did these things today with a very important person on my mind. I woke up wondering where he was, and I also hoped that he got a good night’s sleep. I laughed thinking about how he would want a cup of coffee, and I saw the flat version of him and I smiled and said “Hey baby…I miss you so much.”
This morning started my family's time with our Flat Daddy, or Flat Jeremy. I took Flat Jeremy downstairs and placed him in my son’s playpen. When I asked, “Where’s Daddy?” Ian crawled over, grinned, and smacked the poster board. I know my son knows who his father is, but it’s important to me that he will remember him. He was then distracted by his toy and turned away to play. Ahhhh to be a baby.
I took Flat Jeremy to his work today. I would see him at the squadron; it’s typically a place where he should be unless he’s training. I had to prepare myself to be made fun of by people; instead I was met with warm greetings and smiles. The gate security guard asked me who the handsome man was beside me in the car. When I explained what I was doing, he smiled, told me that I’m a great mom, and a great military wife. I have to admit that he made me tear up a little. Jeremy’s co-workers thought the idea was crazy, but great.
Jeremy was with me the entire time and it felt like he was watching over me. Even now, I can see my Flat Jeremy and I feel protected and loved. He’s here, but not really, but here somehow. I took pictures of Flat Jeremy at his desk. I took pictures of Flat Jeremy at my desk too. At one point I found myself wanting to talk to my Flat Jeremy. I wanted to tell him, that I was having a fun day.
Deployments are a crappy time. Families are meant to be together, not apart. You have to do what you can to make sure that you and your kids know that it will be okay. Wallow a little…it’s allowed. But always remember to pick yourself up. Sure there are people out there that have it worse, but I’m not one of those people. You can go around comparing yourself to what other families are going through, but what’s the point? That will only drive a person crazy and make you feel inadequate. Families are meant to be together…simple.
I have decided that it’s okay if I’m the crazy military spouse that keeps a flat version of her husband. I’m going to take him everywhere, and I’m going to take pictures and make sure that he and my son know about this time. Though we may physically be separated, we are always a family.
Today started out differently from all the other days.
Today I watched my husband pack up a bag and rucksack.
Today I tried not to cry too early, but I did when he wasn’t looking.
Today I held my baby close and told him that everything would be okay.
Today I felt like I might have lied to myself and my son.
Today…
Today I heard a song on the radio that made me smile.
Today my husband was so silly, that I snorted when I laughed on our way to the airport.
Today my husband kissed my hand.
Today a good man told me that he loves me.
Today I told that good man I love him too.
Today…
Today a brave face was put on in front of people.
Today a woman felt like a scared little girl.
Today a wife confessed to a husband that she’s worried and scared.
Today a mommy insisted on a family picture.
Today that scared girl went through security and was able to have a private moment to say farewell.
Today…
Today tears poured freely from my eyes like a heavy rainfall.
Today I felt my heart leave my body and board a plane.
Today fear gripped my soul.
Today I told my husband that cowards are always welcome in our home, not heroes.
Today I cried.
Today…
Today was a day like only one I have been through before.
Today reminded me of January 26, 2009.
Today made me think of when Jeremy left for Iraq.
Today I didn’t feel as lonely.
Today my son made me smile.
Today…
Today I felt weak.
Today I felt insecure.
Today I wondered if other spouses cried as hard as I did.
Today I compared myself to other spouses.
Today I got over that crap, and remembered that deployments just plain old stink.
Today…
Today got better.
Today got easier.
Today my child recognized his Flat Daddy.
Today I smiled at my Flat Husband and didn’t feel like he was so far away.
Today is almost over…breath…just breath…in and out.
Today…
I will face hard times while he is gone. I will hold my baby close and tell his smiling face that I miss his daddy. He will look at me and know what that means. I know this time will be easier, and I know I will be better at being a deployed spouse than before.
Today I secured our loan for a house to become a home.
http://youtu.be/rjFaenf1T-Y
My husband is in the military. My husband is in the Air Force to be specific. He is currently serving in a deployed location and we miss him so much. My son and I miss him so much and there isn’t a day that goes by and I don’t wish he was here with us.
My first deployment was so hard. Jeremy was in Iraq and I was alone in Nebraska. Though I had amazing friends around me, I felt so alone. I hated going home to an empty house, and cooking; well forget that. I was home alone and cooking for one. It rarely happened. I went out when I wanted too, shopped for whatever I wanted to get, and went on vacations when I wanted too. I could do what I wanted to, when I wanted too. Well, within reason of course. This deployment is different. This time, I’m not alone and I’m not only thinking about me.
Three months after my husband came home, we found out I was pregnant. Last year in August I had the most amazing child, and named him Ian. He has brought joy, laughter, tears, frustration, love, and companionship. Ian is my buddy. I take him everywhere with me. He travels well and seems to have a pretty good time where ever we go. It’s fun…it really is.
Now, Jeremy is gone again and I knew this deployment was different from the start. We have to think about Ian. How would this tiny baby understand what Afghanistan means? He wouldn’t. He would only know that his daddy was gone, and then after a few days or maybe weeks, he would recover and move on. It would be me, and eventually Jeremy that wouldn’t recover so easily when Ian couldn’t remember his Daddy. How do you fix this? This is the point where the research began, and I started researching what other families have done.
I discovered Operation Give a Hug (http://www.ogah.org/) Flat Daddies (http://flatdaddies.com/). My son will have a doll that the face will be a picture of Jeremy, and now Ian will have a giant cutout of Jeremy and we will take our Daddy Doll and Flat Jeremy everywhere. I am so happy that my family will have “Jeremy” around to be here for us. We have recorded books, will use Skype, use our phone calls, and email. Care packages will be sent, and more and more books will be recorded so Ian will always be able to hear his Daddy’s voice. It’s more than just Ian hearing his Daddy’s voice; it’s me hearing my husband’s voice and seeing that visual reminder of how great he is, not just as an Airman, but as my chosen life partner.
Deployments aren’t easy, and with these reminders it will be just a little easier. Stay tuned for the Reynolds adventures with Flat Jeremy. It should be a fun spring and summer.
I wrote about this once before and I think sometimes you need to revisit topics. Here is a saying has always struck me odd, especially being a military family.
Home is Where the Heart Is
Seriously, I don’t even know what the means any longer. I really don’t. My heart belongs in so many places to so many people. I give away my heart with unguarded frivolity and I don’t blink an eye when giving over such a precious gift.
If I wear my heart on my sleeve, then my sleeve is my home. Which sleeve? My right one or left? I like the left better.
I guess I don’t really mean it when I say that I don’t know what it means, but that’s not really true because here’s what that cliché saying means to me: home is where my heart is, and my heart is Jeremy, so my heart is boarding a plane and leaving for Afghanistan. That is where I will be…a part of me will be in Afghanistan…with Jeremy. I will protect him and keep him safe. I will watch over him and keep his faith strong. I will be there to listen when he’s lonely and needs a friend to laugh with. I will be his heart as well. Though, I will never physically walk beside him and encourage him, by loving him and caring for him, he will be everything he needs to be and more. He will do the same for me.
As I buy a house and establish our home, Jeremy will help guide me and be the strength that I need when I am weak. He will help me keep my faith and compassion. Jeremy will be the man that I need and not even be here to see me succeed. Despite our separation, I will thrive and be fine. I will wait here for him, keep our family, and be strong. I will be so strong. I will be the strongest woman, until I am not. Then I will pick myself up, depend on his love, his heart to make it through.
I don’t know if I really understand what the real meaning is to Home is Where the Heart Is, but I know what it means to my family. I know what it means to me. And because of our meaning, our love, and our friendship, home for me is my Jeremy, me for him.
Hello, my name is Susan Reynolds and I’m having an affair. Yes, I know it seems too odd to read this and for someone to admit to it, but I am. I’m in love with the City of Fayetteville and I know that we are going to carry on like blushing teenagers. I feel I might need to take my few readers to the beginning of this affair. It started over two years ago on a military base when a lonely wife told her husband, “I think you should go to jump school. If you do, make sure you move me to Ft. Bragg.”
It seems to me, that’s when the fun began. All I could think about was our life at Ft. Bragg. Would we move into housing? If so, then what? Some of the older places were so cute and red brick!!!! How could you not love a red brick housing unit??? Oh, we would be Air Force with the Army. That’s so great. The AF seems to forget about you and the Army isn’t sure what to do with you. And if you’re AF on at an Army post and you get involved, they find you amazing…truly amazing. What if we lived off post? Would we rent, or buy? What would we do??? Then the questions about Jeremy’s training and deploying surfaced; what would that be like? So many questions, no answers, and we weren’t eligible to get orders for over a year. In our home, we were coming to Ft. Bragg two years ago.
It was a gamble to come here. We had a few cards to play, and they had to be played well in order to win. Jeremy was stagnating at our last base. He was no longer the man that I married, he was a guy that filled a uniform and was losing his direction. Something had to be done. I couldn’t let SSgt Awesome not be awesome! So, we started to push and encourage each other. It was my idea for Jeremy to go to jump school. It was me that pushed him into coming to Ft. Bragg, but it was us, yup, the both of us that wanted a new adventure. I was pregnant with our first child when we found out that the gamble paid off. WooHoo…we got our orders to Ft. Bragg. Yeah, it meant time away, tons of training, and of course deploying, but it was worth it. On April 30, 2010 the Reynolds family was given a report no later than date of November 2010. So, Halloween weekend, we packed up our little car with an eight week old baby and a ten year old cat and drove from Nebraska to North Carolina. I smiled the entire time.
We had no home, the housing wait list was so long, and knew nothing about the area. All we were told is that Fayetteville sucks and it’s crime ridden, the schools are horrid, you‘ll be mugged, and probably have your house broken into. Great…that’s where we’re moving too???? This is where I wanted my family to come? I’m such a jerk!!!! Things started out a little rocky. We found a house that was given to us in a bad condition. It needed some love. We were the family to take care of that house and make it a home. Jeremy was already going to be in training as soon as we got our house settled. We were also getting close to the holidays and there was so much going on. All of my family now lives in NC, so we were busy! But none of this mattered. Fayetteville was winning me over, and I was falling more in love.
Skip the next few months and now here it is May 2011, and it’s been two years in the making to come to Ft. Bragg/Fayetteville. Here I am, and I’m in love. I love our life here. Jeremy and I are invested. We are buying a home here, we plan on coming back to retire to the area one day, I’m the first AF FRG leader, and the network of people I have here is amazing. But something else is involved in all of this…there’s a city…my friend Fayetteville. While walking around downtown with my family today, I realized that I adore it here. I can’t help it. The people are friendly, the shops are charming, the food is yummy, and the history flows through the city like water in a river. The stories are amazing here, and the city is proud of itself. Yeah, it’s Fayetteville, and it used to be a craphole, and there are places that are still being fixed up, but this city, this Southern city with its Dogwoods and Magnolias, with sweet tea that makes you sigh, and cupcakes that are made from scratch, this city.
Well, this city and I have many dates planned. If you see some blushing teenagers running around downtown, it’s just me, Susan Reynolds and Fayetteville…carrying on.
