This Got Me Thinking

Today, I just read an article from Woman’s Day magazine titled “10 Things Never to Say to a Military Family”.  I couldn’t help but to snicker, shake my head, and get a little frustrated having heard some of those comments.  You can click on the link above to read the article and responses, but I wanted to offer up my responses.

My spouse is gone a lot for business, so I know how you feel being a single parent.

I find this insulting and I mean 100% insulting and not as a military spouse, but as a kid that was raised by a single parents.  My parents divorced and when I would stay with my dad in the summers, he was a single parent.  My mom was a full time single parent.  I have great friends that are full time single parents.  I keep on using the phrase full time because; I’m a part time single parent.  Sometimes my single parenthood is expected and other times it isn’t.  I have the benefit of knowing my partner; my spouse will be home to help me.  Full time single parents don’t have that benefit in my opinion. 

Now, onto the comparison of a civilian spouse going out of town for business; while I am empathetic, your husband or wife going out of town for business can nowhere compare to me packing up my husband and sending him to a warzone.  The only way I could see this possibly being a somewhat viable comparison is if the civilian spouse works in a neighborhood where gunfire and crime is worse than being in Syria right now.  I am compassionate to the situation, but I’m not going to insult anyone by trying to compare what I’m going through to what you (the reader) are going through.  I can’t.  I’m not living your life.  Again…I will show you compassion because that’s what we need. 

I could never do what you’re doing.

My cocky response to this is, “Of course you couldn’t! I’m Wonder Woman and you aren’t!”   But that’s not the response to give at all.  A lot of people couldn’t do this.  There are days that I wonder if I can do this.  I love being a military wife, but there are days when I just wish war didn’t exist and deployments were a thing of the past.  Sadly, that isn’t the case.  Please trust me when I tell you all this; there are days that I’m not sure if I could do what I’m doing.  I just get up and face the day with my son beside me and hope and pray for the best. 

How can your spouse choose to miss out on the kids’ lives?

I know my husband chose to join the military, but it’s not like he’s chosen to have our country at war for a decade.  I can’t imagine Jeremy waltzing his cute self into the Pentagon, sitting down with the Joint Chiefs and saying, “hey guys, let’s stay at war for over a decade…yeah!!!!!!”  First, he would probably be in trouble, and second who would want that?  My husband has been heartbroken more times this year than I know of.  Ian changes that much and he misses that more than I can express.  But we do what we can.  My family does the best that we can to make it through those times that Jeremy is gone.  Please, please, please, never say something like this to me because I will honestly start to cry. 

Your spouse will be home before you know it.

I think I’ve been dumb enough to say something similar.  Sorry!  I know Jeremy will be home.  Please trust me when I say I know the exact time and date.  And yes, he’ll be home, but I will be so lonely until that moment he is in my arms again, and for a brief moment…he’s mine.  Jeremy won’t belong to anyone at that moment, not the AF, not the American people, not the country.  He’ll be all mine!  Then we’ll come back into reality and go one with our lives. 

What will you do to keep busy while your husband’s gone?

I actually use the time that Jeremy is away to plot my world domination. I have for years, thought that I should have an air fortress and an underwater lair.  I am a fair minded and passionate person and being Queen of the World would result in good times for all! 

Are you serious?  What do you think I’m going to do???  I’m going to pick up the slack of him being gone!  I’m going to keep on doing my normal day-to-day living.  I’m going to make sure my son is okay.  I’m going to lean on others for support.  I’m going to be me. 

At least he’s not in Iraq or Afghanistan!

I am thankful when Jeremy isn’t in a warzone, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not worried.  Recently he went to Airborne School.  I was worried the entire time.  People get injured in training like that.  I don’t want my Jeremy to be hurt at all.  Just don’t say things like this.  Families are meant to be together so no matter where the service member is; know that it’s hard on the family at home. 

When is he getting out?

The answer to this one is simple:  NEVER!!!!  Insert maniacal laugh right here!  Now that the DoD has their hooks into him, Jeremy is their pawn forever!!!!!  Jeremy will get out when he is eligible to retire.  So that answers our question, but for the rest of the military…who knows what their plans are.  Ask about our work structure.  The military is an interesting culture and working world. 

Why are you moving? You just got here.

Well, we do move a lot, and some career fields and branches move more than others.  The Navy seems to move a lot in my opinion.  The AF has people that can only go to certain locations for their entire career in the military.  It’s different for every career choice and branch, but on average we move.  I don’t like it sometimes, but this is our life.  I feel for me that accepting that fact is just easier than not.  I’ve been to cool locations and made some amazing friends.  Why don’t you ask about where I’ve been?  Or ask about my craziest move?  Ask if you can have some of my stuff since I always purge my house before every move. 

Do you think he’ll be home for Christmas/your son’s graduation/the family reunion?

Jeremy will miss Christmas; he will miss birthdays, and anniversaries.  This past Valentine’s Day was our first together in our seven years.  He’s either been working, TDY, or deployed.  He has no choice when he can be home.  Please extend an invitation, but know you will see more of me and my son than my entire family. 

Aren’t you afraid he’ll get hurt or develop post-traumatic stress syndrome?

I think that people should just stay away from this question or questions.  I personally cannot think about this.  I can’t even allow it to become part of my reality until this moment actually is.  If anything ever happens, I know exactly what to do for my family.  I’m so afraid that something will happen to Jeremy that I have developed a phrase for when he deploys, “Heroes aren’t welcome in our home, only cowards that hide under a desk.” 

All and all, I feel that those responses given in the article and those interviewed are just how I feel.  Again I will add this…we are comparing two worlds here that don’t need to be compared.  I have friends that grew up military and have spouses that travel for their jobs constantly.  They are just as lonely as I am.  I don’t know what they are going through, but I do know that I can empathize.  I can also support that friend and that friend can support me.   I think life is a lot of fun when surrounded by a team of people that are meaningful and full of love.