I'm Just A Mom

I find myself saying that phrase more and more in recent weeks.  I’m just a mom; it’s strange that when I say those words now, they have a different meaning. 

My name is Susan Reynolds and I’m just a mom.  I am Ian’s mom, and I am trying to make a difference in preventative pediatric care for military children.  My son serves as my inspiration and my husband is my support. 

Ian Thomas Reynolds was born on August 12, 2010.  He came almost four weeks early and was tiny, but healthy.  Ian wasn’t early enough for our doctor to be overly concerned, but he and the staff were cautious.  The hospital staff practiced what I like to call “preventative care”.  Ian was placed under warmers, swaddled, feed frequently, snuggled, and given a chance to keep his birth weight.  The entire purpose of our OB team was to ensure that Ian came home with me.  He did.  As I reflect on that time, I had no idea the precedent the staff was establishing in my life as a new mom. 

As always the first few weeks with a newborn are interesting, and as typical military life goes, we were moving.  It was in the weeks before my family moved that Ian developed a flat spot on one side of his head, or Plagiocephaly.  With the impending move, there wasn’t much the former pediatrician could do.  The weekend before Halloween, my husband and I packed up two cars, a newborn, cat, and drove from Nebraska to North Carolina.  What an exhausting trip!

In 1992 the American Academy of Pediatrics started recommending that newborns should be placed on their backs to sleep in order to reduce the amount of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or SIDS.  By 1994 a full “Back to Sleep” campaign was launched.  In the past 20 years SIDS deaths have decreased by almost 40%.  Unfortunately, one of the side effects of placing newborns with malleable skulls on their backs is a flattening of their skulls, or Plagiocephaly.  As a result of this flattening, infants would require an orthotic device to remodel their skulls. 

Fast forward to April 2011 my family was hit with what I call, the “trifecta of trouble”.  My husband was sent on a rapid deployment, I was diagnosed with a hernia that needed repair, and our rental home was lost to the tornadoes in NC.  I saved what I could, moved my family into a hotel, said goodbye to my husband, postponed my surgery, moved in with my mother, bought a house, took care of my eight month old infant who was battling ear infections, and began my push for Ian’s helmet.  I knew in my heart that he wasn’t receiving the best preventative medical treatment and something had to be done. 

Ian was twelve months old by the time I was able to secure his referral to a pediatric neurologist, and because we were new patients, it would be another eight weeks before he would be seen.  Ian would be fourteen months old by the time a helmet was custom made for him.  We had lost so much time due to poor information about Plagiocephaly, and lack of knowledge on Tricare policy.  We had to pay for his helmet out of pocket as well.  I couldn’t believe that Tricare was willing to send my son to an ENT for tubes, but unwilling to pay for a helmet that could prevent additional long term health issues because of his flattened skull.  I cannot lie; I cried many tears of frustration.   As my husband reminded me, we, as parents, do what must be done.  Parents take care of their children not out of obligation or because being a parent is a job.  Parents take care of their children because children need us too.  I did what I have always done; I took care of my child. 

The moment I decided to “take care of my child” was the moment I promised him and my family that no other military child and family should go through our experience.  Other military families must be going through something similar, but I wasn’t sure how to find them.  I knew it would take time to find these families, but I couldn’t give up.  I contacted my Senator and Congressman (both serve on the Armed Services Committee), I was nominated for Air Force Spouse of the Year and re-shaping helmets was my cause, I formed a support group and named it Cranial Helmets:  Re-Shaping Our Children’s Future By Using Our Heads.  For more than seven months I have not stopped.  I am now in the process of becoming a non-profit so I can help raise awareness, bring about a policy change, and raise funds to help military families.  

Ian graduated from his helmet on his eighteen month birthday.  His head is not perfectly round, but his ears aligned and the ear infections cease to be a problem.  Ian is a happy, loving, wonderful child.  I work with him on his alphabet, and play until we fall over with laughter and exhaustion.  There are days I wonder, “Did I do enough?”  I think that will always be a question that plagues my heart and mind.  I don’t know if I can answer that question and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to.  All I know is that I want my son’s experience to be a learning experience for others. 

Tricare is a great insurance, but it’s not perfect.  The gaps in preventative pediatric care are an issue that needs to be addressed.  Military families endure more than most and the last thing my family or any military family needs to worry about is how to pay for their child’s healthcare.   So here I am, Susan Reynolds, trying to stand up to Tricare and advocate for pediatric healthcare for military children…I’m still just a mom.  

I Feel

I feel as if something really big is about to happen and I’m not sure what.  It’s such a strong feeling that I go to be each night wondering what it could be and if all will be revealed the next day.  So each morning I wake up with renewed anticipation…waiting for the moment that all will be known to me. 

I think that I am in the middle of it all.  Upon reflection of all that is happening in my life, I don’t know if I’m on the verge of doing something good.  I think I’m in the middle of doing something good.  I think the good is happening every day which would why I grin most of my day.  Seriously, I sit here and grin all day.  I see information flying through space, getting out to families, making people aware, and all I can say is, “impressive.” 

I know that this will be a short entry today and that’s okay.  This is to be a note to serve as a reminder for me and anyone else that reads this, that each day is a blessing.  Good things are really happening.  Instead of wondering what it is; be a part of the good.  

This Got Me Thinking

Today, I just read an article from Woman’s Day magazine titled “10 Things Never to Say to a Military Family”.  I couldn’t help but to snicker, shake my head, and get a little frustrated having heard some of those comments.  You can click on the link above to read the article and responses, but I wanted to offer up my responses.

My spouse is gone a lot for business, so I know how you feel being a single parent.

I find this insulting and I mean 100% insulting and not as a military spouse, but as a kid that was raised by a single parents.  My parents divorced and when I would stay with my dad in the summers, he was a single parent.  My mom was a full time single parent.  I have great friends that are full time single parents.  I keep on using the phrase full time because; I’m a part time single parent.  Sometimes my single parenthood is expected and other times it isn’t.  I have the benefit of knowing my partner; my spouse will be home to help me.  Full time single parents don’t have that benefit in my opinion. 

Now, onto the comparison of a civilian spouse going out of town for business; while I am empathetic, your husband or wife going out of town for business can nowhere compare to me packing up my husband and sending him to a warzone.  The only way I could see this possibly being a somewhat viable comparison is if the civilian spouse works in a neighborhood where gunfire and crime is worse than being in Syria right now.  I am compassionate to the situation, but I’m not going to insult anyone by trying to compare what I’m going through to what you (the reader) are going through.  I can’t.  I’m not living your life.  Again…I will show you compassion because that’s what we need. 

I could never do what you’re doing.

My cocky response to this is, “Of course you couldn’t! I’m Wonder Woman and you aren’t!”   But that’s not the response to give at all.  A lot of people couldn’t do this.  There are days that I wonder if I can do this.  I love being a military wife, but there are days when I just wish war didn’t exist and deployments were a thing of the past.  Sadly, that isn’t the case.  Please trust me when I tell you all this; there are days that I’m not sure if I could do what I’m doing.  I just get up and face the day with my son beside me and hope and pray for the best. 

How can your spouse choose to miss out on the kids’ lives?

I know my husband chose to join the military, but it’s not like he’s chosen to have our country at war for a decade.  I can’t imagine Jeremy waltzing his cute self into the Pentagon, sitting down with the Joint Chiefs and saying, “hey guys, let’s stay at war for over a decade…yeah!!!!!!”  First, he would probably be in trouble, and second who would want that?  My husband has been heartbroken more times this year than I know of.  Ian changes that much and he misses that more than I can express.  But we do what we can.  My family does the best that we can to make it through those times that Jeremy is gone.  Please, please, please, never say something like this to me because I will honestly start to cry. 

Your spouse will be home before you know it.

I think I’ve been dumb enough to say something similar.  Sorry!  I know Jeremy will be home.  Please trust me when I say I know the exact time and date.  And yes, he’ll be home, but I will be so lonely until that moment he is in my arms again, and for a brief moment…he’s mine.  Jeremy won’t belong to anyone at that moment, not the AF, not the American people, not the country.  He’ll be all mine!  Then we’ll come back into reality and go one with our lives. 

What will you do to keep busy while your husband’s gone?

I actually use the time that Jeremy is away to plot my world domination. I have for years, thought that I should have an air fortress and an underwater lair.  I am a fair minded and passionate person and being Queen of the World would result in good times for all! 

Are you serious?  What do you think I’m going to do???  I’m going to pick up the slack of him being gone!  I’m going to keep on doing my normal day-to-day living.  I’m going to make sure my son is okay.  I’m going to lean on others for support.  I’m going to be me. 

At least he’s not in Iraq or Afghanistan!

I am thankful when Jeremy isn’t in a warzone, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not worried.  Recently he went to Airborne School.  I was worried the entire time.  People get injured in training like that.  I don’t want my Jeremy to be hurt at all.  Just don’t say things like this.  Families are meant to be together so no matter where the service member is; know that it’s hard on the family at home. 

When is he getting out?

The answer to this one is simple:  NEVER!!!!  Insert maniacal laugh right here!  Now that the DoD has their hooks into him, Jeremy is their pawn forever!!!!!  Jeremy will get out when he is eligible to retire.  So that answers our question, but for the rest of the military…who knows what their plans are.  Ask about our work structure.  The military is an interesting culture and working world. 

Why are you moving? You just got here.

Well, we do move a lot, and some career fields and branches move more than others.  The Navy seems to move a lot in my opinion.  The AF has people that can only go to certain locations for their entire career in the military.  It’s different for every career choice and branch, but on average we move.  I don’t like it sometimes, but this is our life.  I feel for me that accepting that fact is just easier than not.  I’ve been to cool locations and made some amazing friends.  Why don’t you ask about where I’ve been?  Or ask about my craziest move?  Ask if you can have some of my stuff since I always purge my house before every move. 

Do you think he’ll be home for Christmas/your son’s graduation/the family reunion?

Jeremy will miss Christmas; he will miss birthdays, and anniversaries.  This past Valentine’s Day was our first together in our seven years.  He’s either been working, TDY, or deployed.  He has no choice when he can be home.  Please extend an invitation, but know you will see more of me and my son than my entire family. 

Aren’t you afraid he’ll get hurt or develop post-traumatic stress syndrome?

I think that people should just stay away from this question or questions.  I personally cannot think about this.  I can’t even allow it to become part of my reality until this moment actually is.  If anything ever happens, I know exactly what to do for my family.  I’m so afraid that something will happen to Jeremy that I have developed a phrase for when he deploys, “Heroes aren’t welcome in our home, only cowards that hide under a desk.” 

All and all, I feel that those responses given in the article and those interviewed are just how I feel.  Again I will add this…we are comparing two worlds here that don’t need to be compared.  I have friends that grew up military and have spouses that travel for their jobs constantly.  They are just as lonely as I am.  I don’t know what they are going through, but I do know that I can empathize.  I can also support that friend and that friend can support me.   I think life is a lot of fun when surrounded by a team of people that are meaningful and full of love.  

"...and no one even knew we were there."

“We spent our entire childhoods in the service of our country, and no one even knew we were there.” Pat Conroy.

I think toddler-hood is a difficult time.  I think it’s difficult for both parent and child for many reasons.  The child cannot fully communicate his/her needs and parents aren't well versed in screams, grunts, tears, etc.  I feel that almost anyone can agree that toddler-hood is just a fairly unpleasant, but learning time.  My child taught me something recently that I hadn't, as a military wife, fully prepped for. 

Ian really missed his dad while he was deployed.  Because of Jeremy’s absence, Ian cannot leave his father’s side; his separation anxiety is incredibly intense.  If Jeremy walks out of the room, Ian is in tears, screaming, and is almost inconsolable.  Only Jeremy can make Ian feel better, greet him in the morning, or feed him.  Jeremy is truly the greatest person in the world at this moment.  I can’t even write that I’m jealous because I’m not.  I am concerned though.

Our littlest warriors go through the hardest time when their parent is away.  As the wife/mom, I have activities, volunteering, a job, etc to occupy my time.  Yes there are moments throughout my day that I wish that Jeremy could be home for dinner, but I move on very quickly.  Why?  Well, I have the ability to rationalize our choice to be a military family.  I made a choice just like Jeremy; however, my son did not. 

The child of the service member, affectionately known as Military Brat, is one of the most interesting groups of children.  They group up all over and experience a world that most people only read about.  I grew up a military brat, married military, and knew that my child would grow up just like me.  But wait, he isn’t growing up just like me.  I grew up in a military world that was post Vietnam and though my father fought in Vietnam, he didn't in my lifetime.  My father was never gone for long deployments because they didn’t exist then.  Yes we had troops in certain locations, but nothing like what our military experiences now. 

My Ian…my sweet, sweet Ian.  I see the way you cling to your dad when you see him.  My little warrior is having nightmares, crying out for his father, has been on edge and out of sorts. 

I feel so powerless.  I’m his mother and I want to take away the pain and apprehension my son feels right now…but I can’t.  He will have to go through this and learn that just because daddy went to the store it doesn’t mean he’s gone forever.   I promise you little one, my sweet Ian, that your Daddy will be home and he loves you more than these words can convey. 

Aim High By Being Army Strong

I live in Fayetteville, North Carolina.  If any of my readers know anything about military life, they will know that Fayetteville is home to Fort Bragg.  And Fort Bragg seems to be home to it all.  

Fort Bragg, NC is home to the 82nd Airborne Division.  The Division has a long and glorious military history that can be googled...no OPSEC violations here!  The Division is part of a bigger picture known as The XVIII or 18th Airborne Corp who are called the "Sky Dragons."  We, who are lucky enough to be a part of this rich military history, are honored, humbled, and fearsome.  

Every day I drive onto Fort Bragg and I'm like a kid in a candy shop.  I find it to be so exciting.  There is an energy field that surrounds post.  Not a real one because I don't think they have been invented, but a figurative one.  Fort Bragg is full of energy.  The soldiers here are young and old, they are new, middle of their career, or close to retiring, they are sweet and kind, they are Army Strong.  There are times when I feel that Fort Bragg is truly the center of the military universe.  

Since my arrival in Nov 2010 to Fort Bragg, I have experienced military life that I knew existed, but it never felt real.  I was a stranger in what I thought was a familiar land.  Turned out I was a stranger in a strange land.  As Jeremy checked into his squadron, we both hit the ground running with a tiny baby in tow.  Jeremy was getting brought up to speed, and I became the Key Spouse.  The Operations Tempo on Fort Bragg is out of control.  It's high...constant...serious.  These people don't mess around with our nation's defense.  You all should be glad.  

Overwhelming doesn’t accurately describe my days, my world was turned upside down and I was getting used to being a mom.  My head was spinning round and round and there were days that I could barely keep up.  A decision had to be made; moreover, a choice had to be made.  The combining of both worlds, Army and Air Force was the only way I was going to survive those first few months.   

Within a few months, Pope AFB closed its doors and became Pope AAF.  Left behind were 3,000-5,000 Air Force personnel and their families.  I felt even more lost than before.  At least when I had an AFB to retreat to when I felt confused by the Army world, life would come together for me.  Now, Fort Bragg is a joint base.  I don't mean joint like the rest of them...I mean JOINT!   Fort Bragg was on the verge of doing something really different.  The AF here is now a tenant unit and both branches truly have to depend on each other for all forms of family support.

It was in these months, submerging myself into the Army FRG world, and becoming an Army/AF wife that I created my personal mission statement. Aim High by being Army Strong. 

In the year since we have truly joint forces, the families at Fort Bragg have learned something. We have learned that there isn’t much difference between ourselves, just a different uniform.  Our branches deploy, both branches miss their deployed service member, and both branches experience that loss that when their airman or soldier is gone.

Change is scary even when wanted.  Fort Bragg and Pope have been almost childlike in their approach to this change.  These powerful military branches know that there really isn’t a monster under the bed, but the little kid says there still is.  It’s the unknown that’s the scary monster and it’s that fear that could make even the strongest a little insecure. 

Fort Bragg, my advice to you is: keep on reaching out to Air Force families.  Remember that communication and education are the keys to change.  My hats off to you for trying so hard this last year!  The road hasn’t been without its speed bumps, but you keep on trying.  Thank you! 

Pope AAF, my advice to you is:  communicate, communicate, communicate.  Always ask questions and don’t be afraid to ask for change when told no.  The path ahead of us is going to be rocky, but if Air Force families at Fort Bragg remember to aim high while being army strong, then life will be truly exceptional for us.  

I Haven't Done What You've Done

In case you don't know, I am a military wife.  Now that I have that part out of the way, I can fully discuss with you all what's been on my mind lately.  

I love being a military wife.  I mean absolutely LOVE it.  It's the coolest thing that I have ever done.  I love being married to my Airman, and I love raising a military child.  The many facets of military life are exciting to me,  and this world which a few Americans reside in, fascinates me.  There is one thing that I don't particularly care for...the judgement.  

The Judgement...The Military Spouse Judgment.  It happens, trust me.  It's insane too.  Spouses judge themselves, other spouses, are judged by military members, by civilians, by the entire population of the world.  Why?  Oh, because the entire population of the world is made up of people and it seems to be in the nature of people to judge.  I do; however, feel that the judgment in military spouse world seems to be harsh.  

I don't deploy.

I don't go TDY.

I don't jump out of planes.  For that matter, I don't do anything combative.
I don't do anything military related except...


I maintain our home. 
I do move a lot. 
I am disappointed frequently because of the rotten "deployment/TDY luck" that happens the moment my husband walks out the door.  
I raise a child alone.  
I worry constantly.
I live in a state of stress that isn't normal to 99% of Americans. 
I am constant love and support.  


I would have to believe that being all of those things is enough in my world.  Sadly it isn't. Not only am I resourceful, a source of information, open up my home to strangers, support my husband, but since my husband has only deployed twice...my opinion on deployments doesn't count.  


That's right...only twice.  That more than some, not as many as the soldiers at Fort Bragg, and since he's Air Force, we are really judged.  That's the problem.  Why does it matter how much he's deployed or where he's deployed too?  Why does it matter what his job is? The war our service members deploy too is so different.  The war they face when they come home is just as different.  Why, oh why, oh why does this judgement exist?  Isn't it enough that he's gone, he's been in Afghanistan, and my family was barely hanging on?  Why is my experience with the military dismissed?  


I can't even begin to compile the list of organizations that have been dismissive to me.  I'm not sure if I want to start that list.  People would be shocked at the organizations that have dismissed me for being "some military spouse". Yet here I am, writing about how this continues to happen.  For me it feels like for every awesome military spouse organization that exists, there's the one that that's super loud and puts down the spouse.  For every First Sergeant that thinks that the spouse is awesome, there's one that's non-responsive and can't stand us.  It's those "ones" that really knock the wind out of our sails.  


You want to know something really crazy?  Military spouses judge each other as well.  I have been on the phone many times and passed judgments against other spouses, service members, people.  I can't think of how many times I've stared at a person that asks about joining the military, but only if they don't deploy.  I've actually responded, "then you probably shouldn't join."  I know that might not be the best response, but the military isn't just for any old person in my mind.  Those that decide to step up and protect and defend our Constitution are an exceptional bunch.  I personally don't want someone joining who is looking for an easy way out in life.  Well look at that...judgement.  


Talking about this seems to be the best medicine.  Judgment disappears through communication and education.  As an educator, I long for education to be the inspiration to change.  I must have faith that I will change my ways so I won't judge others.  Isn't this world hard enough?  Don't military families go through enough without us tearing each other apart?  The answer to that question is simple, it's yes.  


Try not to judge me and I'll try not to judge you.  Life is tough, deployments suck, and being away from your spouse isn't fun.