Happy in Germany

I feel as if I can breath here. It's weird. I love this country. It holds wonderful childhood, teenage, and somewhat grown up memories. I don't consider myself a real adult yet, so that's why I used the phrase, somewhat grown up. I love coming back to Ramstein and seeing the changes. Until this trip, I have avoided going home to Zwei. I have even said that this area is my home now because I can't believe that Zwei no longer exists. But, it's time to face my childhood home. It's time to go back and see what I have in my memories. I'm scared to see Kreuzberg Kaserne though...it's going to be different from what I know and that's why I haven't gone back.

I think it's important to show someone that you love where you came from. It explains who you are as a person. I have come back to the base where I fell in love with Jeremy and now I will take him to the place where I fell in love with Germany. This is so exciting and scary and fun all at the same time. I love this country so much. I love being here!

Suppose you go to war.....

“Suppose you go to war, you cannot fight always; and when, after much loss on both sides, and no gain on either, you cease fighting, the identical old questions, as to terms of intercourse, are again upon you.” Abraham Lincoln

I found this while doing reading for a report in one of my classes. It means so much to me. How foreboding of Abraham Lincoln. The only good from our Civil War was the freeing of the slaves, but the old issues and hatreds were still there after the war. Those hatreds were there for a long time. I wonder if this is what it will be like in Iraq a century later. Does peace really not work? I have to believe in my heart that a common ground can be found and that people can choose peace.

Where Has Our Fight Gone?

I ask that question because I need to know. Where is it? We have been in a war that is so hated in the country for the last almost six years, and yet there's no fight. Mass injustices happen daily in America and around the world, and we do nothing. When did we stop standing up for what is kind and decent? When did we stop taking care of our own and only ourselves. I don't have much, but I would kindly share and give to others. I would gladly stand up for those that have no voice and say that we must protect them. I don't know what I can do to make change, but I have to do something. I can't sit by any longer and let this world happen to others like it doesn't matter. I have to stop people hurting and destroying our planet, I have to stop people from exploiting children, and I need to believe in my government and country again. I need to know the real reason my husband is going to Iraq. I don't know why he's going except for "it's his job"...well fuck that! There are so many things that we can do, and I am going to start doing more than I already do. I'm going to fight for those who cannot fight any longer.

On Tuesday a man who can make great change, and give hope back to the hopeless could be our next president. I can't wait for that to happen. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your own people. We can be the world's police again, when we take care of our people at home. That's how it's supposed to be.

Making Firm Decisions

They exist...I am telling you this because it's true. I love having people in my life, but what I don't love about these people is their lack of understanding about my life. People say that we're so similar, but I don't see it. If that were the case then I would have understanding. I have things going on right now that make me proud of who I am. I have things going on in my life that make me sad, but I accept it, and I have things that make me happy. But I cannot afford the time leeches of my life any longer. I thought talking about my busy life would indicate that I can't take on much more, but that's not the case. In fact, it seems to be the opposite. So now it's onto the direct approach.

So today I have made some firm decisions...I am going to step down as the spouses’ group president. Someone else needs to do the work. I am going to focus on school and Jeremy. I want to graduate Summa Cum Laude and I will. I want to spend as much time with Jeremy before he goes to Iraq, and that's it. That's all I want to do.

I like firm decisions...now I just need to make sure I follow through! LOL!!!

The Long Haul

This has been an interesting week for me. I started school again, my aunt's cancer has returned, and the two items that bother me the most...in no particular order...my mom is finally leaving Germany and my husband is going to Iraq. Iraq is a small country that exists in the news for me until now. It is part of my reality. I am scared. I have never been so scared in my life. I know I'm supposed to be strong for Jeremy, but I am afraid for him. I have had friends deploy there many times over the last five years and I was scared for them as well. I just hope beyond the realm of hope that he will be safe. I am though, so proud of him. As I pour out my heart through these words so old and new friends can read them, I hope for understanding. I hope that these next few months with Jeremy will be the best ever, and I hope that when he returns we will have even better.

The other item on my list of interesting is knowing that my parents are finally leaving Germany. A door will close on my childhood and teenage years and I will never have the home I grew up in again. It's strange to me to know that I will only live in Germany again if we get stationed there. I will miss it. I have spent over 20 years in Germany and it will be sad to never have it back again the way I have it now. But it is good to know that Germany shaped me into the person I am now. I think when I go back in December, I will finally take Jeremy to Zweibrucken. He'll love it!

So, I have a long haul ahead of me. I will keep my chin up, and hope for the best and expect just that. I will tie my yellow ribbons and I will say my goodbyes. I will move forward and enjoy the new in my life.

Old Times and Old Places

I wrote this so long ago, but I have been thinking about it again. I keep finding more and more people from my high school days and I love it. But it's bittersweet because I miss those places so much and they are truly gone forever. I don't understand why it bothers me so much. I don't particularly miss high school. I liked, but I always wanted more. I wanted my 20's. I wanted to be on my own and do whatever I wanted. I don't get it some days. I guess your memories are sweeter than the actual moment.

Please read and understand us military kids. Thank You!



I have been thinking a lot about where I grew up. I think talking to Kari yesterday has something to do with it, but also the other blasts from the past that I've had recently. It's weird to know that you grew up in Germany. That your home is a town with a closed Army Post and Air Force Base. What's even more weird and sad is to know that you will never have it back again the way it used to be. Those days are long gone and over. Your high school is now a designer outlet mall that the Germans love. I don't know why I am thinking so much about this time. I get so lonely for those days when I was growing up in Germany. I miss our old commissary on Kreuzberg Kaserne and I can't remember if the Air Base had one. I remember being able to walk all over that post and I remember how friendly it was.

I wonder if anyone else knows what has gone on there? Do they know the memories that the housing area holds for people like myself? Do they know that the town of Zweibrucken is one the greatest places in Germany? I think it's strange how I couldn't go and see my home when I was just living in Germany. I guess I prefer the memories.

I think I will go home when I go back to Germany this winter. I will go home to show Jeremy where I learned how to ride my bike and trick or treated for years. I will show him the place where I had my first cigarette and where I had my first kiss. I will show him where I went to prom and where my schools were. I think he needs to see these places that seemingly exist in memory only.

I love the blasts from the past. They awaken thoughts in you that seemed forgotten. I'm so happy that my home is not forgotten as most places are for military kids.

Thoughts, School and Stuff

So today, I did something that I have wanted to do since my knee surgery and that is swim 1/2 a mile in the base pool. It felt great. I'm very hungry, but feel exhilarated at the same time. It's so cool how swimming makes you feel. I don't have a care in the world when I'm in the pool and don't feel any pain. I love it!

Also, school starts tomorrow and I feel as if I'm going to ignore my wonderful friends. I don't want to, but I have to get this done. I have assignments and project due every week so I will be very busy. I will of course manage my time, but still I need to focus of what's important. If my friends truly love me, then they will understand. When we are together our time will be more precious.

Our move has been interesting and I realized something yesterday. I don't know how my mom did this as an Army wife. How did she make a move look so easy and how did she never let my brother and myself know that she was stressed, and tired? I learned so much these last two weeks and I am so happy that I did. I like learning good life lessons.
Thank you all my friends and family for your love, patience and support. You are all amazing!

Two things that I do when I see, think of, or talk to Jeremy. Today he has been the most exceptional man. I knew when I met him 4 years ago that I had found something good, and today is one of those days that makes you know that you have something great.

We are in the middle of a PCS move from one home to another in housing. We, like crazy people, decided to do a partial "do it yourself" move (DITY) and have movers come in next week to do the big stuff. Well, it's been insanity in this house. The cat is freaking out and of course jumping into every box, Jeremy is working because he has too, and I'm doing the best I can, but feeling that it's not enough. I come home today from PT and see that he's done so much that I'm overwhelmed with relief.

I think it's really great when a couple can be so in tune with each other that no words need to be spoken. It doesn't need to happen all the time because then it wouldn't be special, but when it does happen.......

I know that moving your stuff is not the most romantic thing ever, but I don't care. In my opinion; it doesn't have to be the grand gestures that make your day. It's the small and sometimes practical things that make your day. Those small, practical things relieve stress and allow for the grand, romantic gesture to be exactly what it's intended to be. So as I wrote at the very beginning...a sweet, sly smile and a long, loving look...now that's great romance!

the poo heard 'round the housing area...

Okay, so Jeremy and I have been having some housing issues lately. So much so that we had to go to his 1st Sgt to get help. Well housing is finally stepping up to the plate and attempting to take care of us. We picked up the keys to our new home on Thursday. There is one major problem and that is the housing office gave us a dirty home. In the downstairs half bathroom, one of the construction workers left his poo marks in my toilet. That's right, there are poo marks in my bathroom from some random stranger. I am sitting here laughing because it's almost unreal to me. Is there really someone's leftovers in my bathroom of my new, never been lived in home? Yes, is the answer. So, I am going to document this for the housing office. That will consist of taking a picture and turning it in with our pre-inspection paperwork. I'm still laughing and smiling to myself because I can't believe that I have to take a picture of poo. I think that's all that I can write at this point.

I'm liking today!

I think it's nice having Jeremy back on a day shift, I think it's nice that I will be in class soon, and I think it's nice to have gotten so much done today. I really like days like that. What I'm really looking forward to is going out tomorrow night with good friends, having some frosty adult beverages and brushing off the stupidity of my housing office. So what they still don't have a place for us to live, so what they will probably starting tearing down these homes around us. As long as the asbestos doesn't get into my lungs then I'll be fine! I just can't fight those people any longer and there is no point. I'm feeling goofy today...watch out boring Nebraska!

Good Times

So over the weekend we went up to North Dakota for a wedding. It was for our friends that we were stationed in Germany with. It was AWESOME! I love being military those days because it's so much fun to keep in touch with friends from all over the world. And that's where they all live now. I thought that ND was one of the best places I have ever been too and would move there in a heartbeat. I can't believe that I'm writing that, but I am. They are very smart about stuff there. They have these windmills that produce so much energy that people and towns have a surplus of energy. Can you believe that? So now I'm thinking....what if military bases did that? We need to invest in this and I'm going to see what I can do to suggest it! In fact, I'm inspired now to see what else my spouses group can do for the squadron. We need better communication. It's sorely lacking!

So about the wedding. The groom's dad is from Cleveland, Ohio and swore to all of us that deer bark and that's how they communicate. He actually told this to the bride's dad who is a farmer. Hmmmm...car salesman from Ohio knowing more about nature, farming and hunting vs. Farmer Guy from ND...I don't think so. He was pure comedy the entire time and that's what I loved about being there. The groom's dad was "that guy" and it was funny!

What do you do?

What do you do when you watch a friend lose it? She's always been the one that you've set your standards by as a military wife and now she's calling you, crying, and losing her mind. Her kids are running around and fighting and she's having a meltdown because her husband is TDY. You go to her and help obviously, but this is something that changes you. You realize that she's not as tough. I actually think it's nice that she's not as tough as I thought. I know it's hard for all of us military wives and for my friend she's a mom of a 3 year-old and twin 18 month olds and all boys. They are the most wonderful children and you can only sit and think "Dang, I hope my kids turn out half as good!"

The sad reality is that they go away, they go TDY, and they go to war because we're in a war. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to keep it together because your family needs you. Families are now incomplete because of war and we have to keep it together for these families that are struggling. And even though my friend may have had a weak moment, the military family that she has created stepped in to be there. To me that's the best part about being a military wife...you create new family to help! And it makes all the difference.

Get that new family when you move to your new base, or get that family at the base you're at now. You will need them. They will make all the difference!

Still Here

I am...still here and still trying to get by. I don't like those days that I leave my mediocre job and realize that I am just so tired of the politics. I work with people that their politics are ugly. I don't like it. I have a way out, and that is I can quit. I think about my husband that cannot quit his job. I don't think that the AF would appreciate that.

I must constantly remind myself to be patient and good. I must remind myself to care and and not not get overly involved. I can only change myself and locust of control and nothing else. I can be effective by knowing those things and remain true to myself by knowing those things. I must keep positive for Jeremy. He's in such a hard job.

It's tough as a military wife to remember that. Be calm, be collected, and remain neutral at all times. He needs to fight his own battles. When you love someone so much that the happiness overwhelms you at every moment of the day...you get feisty and protective. That is my AF wife lesson today...let them fight their own battles. You will fight your own and do so with grace and charm.

Sitting and Thinking When I Should Be Working!

That's right, I should be working right now, but I'm not! I don't like my job. I have a shady boss that is a gossip and fake. He's a man and I am surprised by his behavior to be honest. But what can you do? You have to make adjustments to the people in your work surroundings. After awhile though, you can no longer make these adjustments. You have to make the change yourself. Do you want to stay or go? The Clash created my in the moment theme song of Should I Stay or Should I Go? I need to get away from a place that I find toxic in my life. We don't need my paycheck. We don't need this hassle in our household...we is my hubby and me. I am going to quit soon and be a stay at home AF wife and go back to school. Peru State College here I come!

My spouses group has had a tragedy happen today that needs to be dealt with. I see little done within my husband's squadron so the spouses must make up for the lack of strong caring. I am very happy to do this because it's my duty. I must provide for the morale of the squadron. I am a spouse of an Air Force man and because of that my purpose is to be as actively involved as possible. I sound old-fashioned but I don't care. This is what we are here for. The military goes through so much and we must care for them.

So, to work I will go...getting my life together and caring for the lives of others. I never thought I would be this way...but I love the moments when I know we're making a difference. A difference is what can be provided.

My Birthday

It's today actually. I love my birthday. I am one of the obnoxious people that go around with this insane smile all day long. And to be very honest...I tend to celebrate for much longer. I feel that a birthday is much bigger than one day of celebrations, that it's many days of celebrations.

I have discovered something about myself recently and that is my great soul explorations are coming to an end. I am opening a new chapter in this area. I am settled now and in a good place. I am together in my heart, mind, and most especially my core soul. I started seeing a life coach a few months ago. I have been restless again and when that happens great change always occurs for me. I cannot stay in one place too long and I cannot be one person for too long. I tire of the presentation that I have to give each and everyday. But as always, I must stick it out because we're not moving anytime soon. I must change and adapt to my surroundings and to my chosen life. I got a life coach. What was it that was making me so restless? I don't know and I needed to find out.

I am not like most of my friends that have that job, house, or whatever the case may be. They really seem to have themselves together. They have always known what they want. I have as well, but for me it's been different. For me it's been about figuring out what I don't want. I know a lot about that. What has been so great about this move to Offutt is that I have figured out finally what I want. And I am going to get it and I won't let a thing stop me.

When you are young you fight the system. You fight the values and principles that were instilled in you by you parents, friends, teachers and all the influences around you. You learn that you're supposed to take time to see what's out there and what you really value. I have come full circle. I am more like the girl I was at 17 than I was a few years ago. I loved that girl with all of my heart and I love who I am again with all of my heart.

My life has always been easy because I made it that way and finally I am working for what I want and for my dreams to come true. I have never felt more alive. I have never felt such peace in my soul.

What a good day and what a good year to come. I can't wait.

You will start read more posts about this subject and the subjects of being a military wife. I feel that it is super important and that we need to stick together.

Thank you for letting me bear my heart!

Ready to Scream........

I have those days, when I can't contain the inner person that wants to come out and scream at everyone. I want to scream at how stupid they are and how much they get on my nerves! And I mean that. They get on my nerves!!!!!!! It's mostly the people I work with because for people working on Master's degrees they are stupid.

But today is a day that I may be saved and the reason is that a there is a kick ass job that has opened at the base and I can't wait. I have my cover letter and resume ready to go!!!! I'm very happy about the possibility.

It's fun being a woman that has nothing to lose. The AF moves us all over and I always have to quit a job...therefore I don't need my job or my paycheck...I like that feeling.

More later!